Today's theme

Now, I hate this blog like never, when I have the chance yet forced to be left as a silent spectator…

Today's theme

I had to delete this entry, when I found myself going on selfish..

Sorry for that

"do what you think is best"

Today's theme

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother, what will I be?

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

UN-titled

If I said today was the worst day in my life, I might be belittling my feelings.. for today was may be the most emotional devastating day from all perspectives to me.. although it should have been the happiest..
We finally finished the conference events today, and can’t hide how superb it was.. starting from the crew –who nearly all of them became my friends- till the organizing, the workshops, the decorations.. everything thing was really wonderful.. but I had to cry yesterday night, since 9 pm till 4 am continuously.. till I had a horrible headache.. I was feeling as if someone is taking parts of me alive… I was so hurt deep down.. feeling pain.. real pain..

Moonlight may be the best person who understands my case… she along with Nan, Bavalova, Sheryos and AZ were doing excellent help trying to get me out of the mood.. but I just couldn’t .. “nefsi kant sa3bana 3alya awi awi” …

I never cried that much ever since 2nd sec. when I lost my best friends in a car accident. Since then I stopped crying.. I just hide everything inside me, and pile one over the other, and only yesterday everything evolved.. as if a volcano I never thought I could have…..
My mother was trying to hush my hysterical attitude.. bas I acted vulnerable towards her and other dear friends.. I was like a monster never seen before… “baaaaaaas ba2aaaaaa, kefaaaaayaaaaaaaaaa…. El darb fl mayt 7araaaaaaaam”.. that was enough…
One more “NO” I might hear and I might .. I don’t know… if I could ever leave.. if I could run away….
I know, one day, with all the echoes of those negative thoughts I have.. its either I’ll do it for real.. or.. turn mad.. and I am not exaggerating.. but its true..

Today I wake up with the same headache, yet with my mother’s comforting voice telling me to get dressed and go… but my eyes looked horrific! I had to stay alittle bit more in home till it might get better…
And then I went to collage.

The day was fun.. ppl were cool… but I was feeling extra horrible.. laughing without any taste of my laughter.. smiling without any eagerness to smile..
I wanted to stay there.. I love those people very much.. but felt like I am doing a boring job I can’t handle any more….. so I went out of a session keda, and met Tee at the stair case “were r u going?” .. “mm.. somewhere,, I want to walk”.. but he kept insisting and I denying.. “no I am ok, don’t worry”..
Along the way I met Dina and Nadine, they asked the same Q and said U seem absolutely down… at this point, I couldn’t hold myself any more.. so I said “I just want to walk.. PLEASE” … and started crying in the middle of the street… all the way.. I was crying out and loud… and for the 1st time in my entire life I was crying in public!! No need to mention how the ppl were gazing at me..
After around 20 mins I returned to the OC place, where I saw Bavalova, and so she asked “where have u been?” .. I was about to talk when I started crying again… but this time between the folk! .. I can’t imagine how I did all this…
So she took me to the bathroom, where I continued non stop… and due her magical way, I was able to laugh again….
Washed my face and went out .. peep.. its lunch time people..

Looking at the watch, and calculating, only 2 hours left, I have to make out the best of it… only when I acted strangely.. talking to any person I meet… I laugh loudly gedan.. and photo anyone walking… just anything and everything…. Going hyper like I never used to………………. I didn’t know myself then… but I was still feeling pain increasing awi..

I went through all the workshops with Noha, trying to catch the last few minutes before we leave.. people looked even more marvelous to be true, though almost all of them weren’t free to share the moment with both of us.. and some even.. ok.. it hurted as well.. or may be I was turning to be more sensitive lately.. I don’t know.. but I do feel bad very easily nowadays..

Fading slowly.. heading towards the stair case… we’ll finally say “bye bye” everyone… we’r not coming to the closing people… with some exclamation marks from here and there, I preferred to keep silent.. “ok I am not going”.. “why, all the people are coming” .. “but I am not the all people” *full stop*
Yeah I acted rude.. yeah I looked ridiculous… yeah I was about to cry again and scream as well.. but I hold myself…

At the gate we had our last laughter with ye7ya and nayer… was somehow cool.. when I saw the busses coming.. I took noha and left immediately.. I couldn’t handle seeing the people taking the bus and going out together while I am standing still waiting for my bus back home..

I took the 1st bus I knew might reach me some where near home.. and there I burst into tears again…. This time crying in the bus…. Amongst I don’t know how many people.. when suddenly i had my wildest thoughts invading all throug.. i was actually wishing to have an accident or something.. may be then *he* might feel someone is existing.. which i highly doubt..

Its never about the outing.. actually I am used to not going to outings with friends.. not just the ACESians.. but my school mates, my collage mates and even my relatives… but was never about outings… but the repetitive “NO” without any proper reason… NO for the sake of opposition.. for the sake of confirming “I am this house’s leader, I have the upper hand” .. but sadly I all lost passion for this so-called upper hand…

Long time ago, I thought I am an introvert.. I hated myself and hated being in crowds with people.. I started to tailor such image about myself.. and imagined every single detail about me being a loner.. not having friends.. not liking except to read… not willing to interact with the other… until, aces taught me that “I AM NOT”… “I AM A NORMAL PERSON..” .. I AM REAL NORMAL ORDINARY PERSON….. I talk, I laugh.. I like going out.. I like interacting.. I like to have friends around.. I like to have a group in collage.. I like to go trips with people.. I love to love and know that I am LOVED as well…… I JUST want to live a proper life…

I was crying, not because I wasn’t going out with people, but because one thing… I am 21 right now, but still, do not have the right to practice MY LIFE..

feeling liking it today :) .. *Enjoy*

Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
Trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
Trying to forget my feelings of love.
Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never met you, girl;
You'll never come again.

Feelings, feelings
Like I've never lost you
And feelings like I've never
Have you again in my heart.
Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.


Feelings...

A day to remember

If I ever said I had the most wonder day of my life, then I’ll be lying. I was highly tension at the start plus I did as horrible in my mid term exam as I had never did before. For the 1st time I’ll have “Big Zero” in an exam.. but all evaporated as soon as I saw those faces around…
Publications team ( Nayer, noha, ye7ya, abdallah)… Bavalovti –definatly- .. Sheryos (my team mate fi kol 7aga 7ata el ushering :@ )… Tee el IT.. Naila.. Men3im… whom.. whom… Mohie.. Khaled… all my dof3a.. 3alaa.. maha.. Abd el rahman and Dina.. Adham and Khaldoooon .. Mai (I got to know her only today!)… Noha Ez (as elegant as always) .. my o my! I can t remember the 70 names right now!!!!!!!!

I was happy ya gama3a gedan…… thanks for making it right in front of my parents. They loved the day true..

Whom… Hobbaaaaz… Adiiii… Hend….
Thanks MoonlightShadow for coming…

Just I want to go some where far away from here…. The desert may be.. or beside the Nile or any sea and shout out loud…

“I love being with YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU… and the faces I won’t forget”

Blubbering out

Sometimes I think who to choose, someone who cares for you too much but you care for a little; or someone who cares a little but you care for too much?!
What a misery, sometimes I feel..

The day before today was super cool *the assessment center*, I made neat new friends from collage.. *actually I am making new friends these days like I never did before :S .. masha2 ALLAH* . Today as well was nice. I dropped a lecture to watch the conference’s audition, and though I didn’t catch it still *they were very late*, but I enjoyed my time having some good laughs with wonderful people. A pity they’ll graduate next year, may God bless them. :)

I was OK, most of the time, though visited by the above thought from time to time so I’d be absent minded sailing to far far away land. Could be the never land, and could be the place I’ve made to resort whenever I feel I want to leave the crowds.

However, nice time always flies, except for 3 things that really made me feel un-comfortable. I need to feel more confident. I need to believe I can make it myself, I am good –if not best-.. umm, why do I feel I’D never be the one!

It was a horrible feeling that I might lose something I posses because I am lower than someone else, while actually I know I am not, at least in other points!
Do I make any sense?!
Suddenly the lights went dim!
My feeling of possession! One big black dot I have.. and though I do not show, but I know deep down how hurted I feel when someone shares something so.. SO dear to my heart.. even if it’s a smile I reckon its mine.. even if it’s a laugh I know I was addressed with… even if, even if it was a hello I was waiting for day long :) ..

As if my misery is between 2 options, what I want and what I can get.. what I like and what I might like.. and the quest goes so on, so forth..

The 2^nd thing was when this stupid person started to make fun of me. Actually he wasn’t making fun of me, but was trying to be funny in a stupid way that pissed me off! None the less, the 3^rd thing was when I remembered.. “ah well, I got my mid-term exam tomorrow so I’d better leave the place and runnnn to continue my studies”
*no need to mention, I have to run now as well :S *

Tomorrow is the opening of the conference AT LAST! And all the memories I had through out the previous 7 month or so suddenly flashing in front of my eyes. Our 1^st meeting, our training days, mecca center, alaa’s laptop, photoshop, GMs, days in collage, the booth, the welcome, the flyers and banners, the poster I took from the college’s walls, the dropped lectures, the night chit chats, the life time friends I had, the new comers into my life, and the ones I strengthened my relation with though we’ve been there for some time..

As if, after all those months of work, we can finally lay down to sleep. We can finally have peace within. No need for the rush to get some signs from this or that. No need for waking up till very late doing an un-finished task. No need for fights and No need for broken hearts.

Saying “bye bye” to ACES 2006 .. with some tears covering joy, excitement and anxiety for the 3 coming days.
So hard to have someone dear going to leave, but much harder to see him leaving already …

Sometimes I re-think about my thought.. Sometimes I thank God, I have options to choose between still, although others got nothing to have.

Thank U Bibo for the song :)

An Innocent man -- Billy Joel
Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by
Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie
I know you’re only protecting yourself
I know you’re thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I’m not above
Making up for the love
You’ve been denying you could ever feel
I’m not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I’m only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it’s easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don’t want to hear what I say
I know you’re gonna keep turning away
But I’ve been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I’m not above going through it again
I’ve not above being cool for a while
If you’re cruel to me I’ll understand
Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight
That’s your decision
But I’m not below
Anybody I know
If there’s a chance of resurrecting a love
I’m not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began
Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I’m not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

Feeling extremely low..

After yesterday’s talk with Bibo, I felt how ugly and un-fair life might be. I needed a 5 minuets confrontation with myself to discover I am fooling myself intentionally, then runny away in the same sequence waiting for the same fairy tale!

I never learn, and guess I won’t!!

Yeah! The dream looks so beautiful from far away.. and even more beautiful from inside.. feeling extremely happy, may be walking on clouds, and may be wandering in a place never existed yet… knowing that someone out there…. mm

but then you’ll have to wake up as soon as you log off, because simply it was only a vision of a fake wish you prayed for, from all of your heart to be true,, but sadly it wasn’t and it will not..

So you end up stuck between what you wish for and what you have! Torn between what you want and what you should do!

Do I make sense..? does anyone listen..? does anyone understand?.. I wish not..

For eventually I know I’ll leave this to welcome my very own self again between the very same empty corners of my empty room. Having the same deadly thoughts spinning in my head. Hurting my heart sometimes, and cracking my soul the other times.. yet, the clock won’t stop ticking.. and the circle would never end..

May we have peace sometime.. may we reach where we wish..

Today's wisdom

Dedicated especially to some friends, I owe them alot :)

WAIT just a favor..

Please take a moment to fill me THIS :)