usual *Me*..

Yeah I had to go out today with mother to go shopping. 1st we bought my brother a new T-shirt and chemise. I love buying him cloths by the way. Its always easy keda, and makes me feel happy bardo. But I do not know the reason why I was so frustrated today. As if the every single something irritate me gathered in front of my eyes. And was like, I don’t know. My face looked like a 80 years a lot lady.

-- I am frustrated.. -- from what?! -- let me count..

1. I hate shopping; I hate going around shops and trying outfits: S it’s very boring. Plus there is nothing like my style. I hate tight stuff, I hate over shining ones, I hate very long ones, I hate “eftksat” these days :S its like not me.. not me at all people.
Plus this stereo typing you have to enclose urself in.
Look, I am a Muslim girl who is wearing the veil right now, and got no intention to take it off by the way. But sometimes I think, what if I didn’t wear it, most probably I would be wearing whatever I like right now. Now I can’t wear what I like, like how I like. If I bought something, noo its too short, while it is NOT short at all! But the stereo typing, you are veiled now, you are a lady, you got to dress in this and that…
Whoever on earth told you I am a lady,, I am just a girl. me poor girl living in a forgotten corner in the universe blubbering all the nonsense to the cosmetic….. but who cares!

2. Its days and I’ll be back to college. I hate that place, and hate the people. I do not think even I got the chance to choose my project. I didn’t do that good last year. And so GOD! It’s like I have to send a new year in something I know before hand I’ll hate myself every morning for! Plus remember, no I don’t think I’ve said that here before. Lol, my father forced me to leave ACES though I’ve been accepted as a moderator this year. Imagine I have to spend a new year watching my colleges working together in the one thing that made me like going to that place, while I am not!
Masada2t I’m out of the break down I had couple of month ago..

3. the allergy in my nose makes me sneeze all the way. It bugs me awi, especially when I am in that condition. 3aaaaa….. off!

4. well my state itself. When I am down I lack a lot of myself to the extend loneliness visits me more powerful and clear. Offfft! Hate it awi that much feeling that I am alone keda and anything needed to be discharged then I have to blog! No one think of in particular to phone, or talk to or even to chat! No one by the word. Even the blogging itself, there is nearly no one I wait to know he/she reads my writings. Neither someone I wait to read his/her new posts. Its like,, nothing ever…

5. hate it when someone treats me as an angle. I am not! I am not an angle.. I am a human being and I make mistakes! Hate special treatment… really,, look at me as someone just like you, we are not different, I am not an alien from another plant. Really! Do you understand what I am talking about?
Each time anyone give me that look, I tend to do something to prove “I am not that very beautiful creature”, and so I regret afterwards that I did this or that!
Had you ever felt that you are not doing me very good ya3ni, you’r actually hurting me more…
Might be a complex, but that’s me,, a normal person with 2 eyes, one brain.. LIKE YOU, LIKE ANYONE!!!!!

6. Hate it when I say hate it like today. My mood is in the most horrible state I know. And so “hate” is there all the way, and so I hate it and hate myself for that..

7. I remembered once Ikhnaton2 said he doesn’t have a favorite something in life. Tell you what now, I tried to think,, what is my favorite book? I do not have
what is my favorite song? I do not have
what is my favorite state of mind… I do not have as well.. I do not have favorite at all… even the colors, thought it was “Blue” before, now I know its not just blue :S

while I was wondering between the outlets, I heard a song by Asala called “Hayati”, its brilliant.. I loved it awi keda, may be because I always wished to live as how she sings.. I do not know..
but hearing it even made my heart goes low even more :S

well, enough frustration and depression for today.. I’ll just leave now in peace, wishing someone, somewhere would listen ..

Again "laila" thingie

It's 3 am in the morning, and I can't sleep. Got Hundreds and Hundreds of thoughts to say. however, its late. If my father woke up now, it won't be pleasntly good for me. See, I can't even wake up late if I want to!!!
whatever now,
its like there was a mountain high over my chest, now its OFF! laila is going excellent so far, looking forward for even more...
God bless all of us..

Gota tell about the whole thing in few more days ahead keda
G'nite

Its all about passion my dear.

When the question was repeated twice a day, by A.G. and Classical feelings, I found myself un-expectedly, running through the blog reading 2 years back to back with all the laughter and the screams, hatred and love. It’s all engraved between the lines. It might sound ridiculous, but the feeling I felt was un-describable. Kept me wondering in some way or another. Hmm, at some moment in time I used to love this place and cherish it to the utmost. At some moment in time I couldn’t wait to write down the whole story.

Then the passion was gone!

Like how I lose interest in anything, then regret.
I regret a lot.. I don’t believe so. Well, no.. I do not know in fact. I do not remember my deepest regrets or my worst days. The worst and the best are always yet to come. Its life, full with its miseries, wonders, puzzles and riddles. Yet its always the one thing you never expected, the 1st to come!
Strange enough to be true, I add.

Yesterday I ran quickly between few posts in another fellow blogger’s blog, as well. And the feeling I got from out there might not be written in words! I mean, I was amazed myself to the extent I ran through my posts again.
If I were you reading these words, I might think this gal the most sensitive creature earth had known, exactly like how I felt while reading him. But neither of us is not!
Here is where the other life lives. Here is where the heart and mind dive into another world not ours in the sense of “you and me” right now and right here!

Blubbers again, and again, and again. You know something, while I was reading and trying to remember things all together, I didn’t remember some posts “why was I writing this or that?” I forgot even to whom addressed, forgot the timing, forgot the meaning. Just like a flower lost everything of its own but the smell. That’s how memory remains. But what if, imagine what if, memory is no longer a mixture of different smells? What if you got something vivid to read?
“got me?!”

whatever.
I wrote yesterday a lengthy post, then deleted and didn’t publish, until I passed by the Nile again today. Something connects blogging with the Nile in my mind. My eyes went wet as my usual for watching this sense, then I remembered yesterday’s feeling when I read both blogs, mine and the other fellow blogger. Its like both passion exists. My passion for the ashes of my memories, and the passion you have for what I write, no matter who you are, a friend a passer by.. a reader.. or just someone looking down at us from high up above. I can understand now why some were asking me over and over again not to stop this and keep it going. Your passion visited me yesterday night when I read the whole thing. Then I remembered every song I chosen and what for. I remembered every picture I picked for a post and the journey I traveled with.

Its like collecting pieces of me somewhere and through it to the wild space. Just like I said in my 1st post “Dear whoever.. May I finally know you?”

I hate this place.. and if ther eis a way to delete it.. crack it down.. do whatever that won’t make me feel this feeling, I’ll go for it

L2 bgd…. Asba7 makan ka2eeeb.. wana ka2eba.. w mesh 3ayza elli 3ayzah
U know when u r drunk and you go and knock which ever door infront of you, un awar what it might have behind!!
I did that!!
As if I was in that need to talk
May itbe a strange something to do… may be.. I do not know

So whatever… that place makes me feel suffocating f3lan… w elli mesh 3ayza shof wesho tani

From now one.. its one time and for good…. Not nothing to do with bluelue ever again

I might use another nick and start some where another…

But definite word………..
Good bye my worst night mare ever…

Neyahahaha the project screw our lives.. and is not done yet :

Some one gets me out of this living night mare…

...

Mins ago I was posting one long entry about how sad I am now. Sad?
Yes..
It was like I am on the edge of breaking again..
Yeah.. so frustrating when you feel your feeling for a certain person became a burden on you.. especially when you hate and can’t get over..
When you talk, and words hurt
When your tears stand like stones in your eyes
You live mins in dreams.. then the rest of the day in the same boring ritual claiming its your best
While it’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever learnt..

Yeah.. every day I know defiantly “life sucks”.. when you feel you are in the wrong place.. wrong time and wrong people
You wish to have some feather and collect your wing.. fly away some where .. or may be leave yourself with the wind till you find a nest somewhere and call home.. or you are finally dead..

Had you ever wished so hard to leave life?

Its not a matter of frustration as much as a wisdom I might have learnt the hard way out…
It such a pain hating someone you should appreciate while in fact, you can’t have anything but black feelings to him…

Wish I’d have the courage once and tell him in the face how hard I truly do….
And watch him dwelling in it..
May be then –no matter how hard it might sound- may be then, he’d understand the ages of dark visions built in the minds and hearts guarded by his fake yellow smile..

This week’s lesson

Had I ever mentioned my strong hatred for demanding people?
If not, then I am admitting it right now
I DO HATE THEM..
Hate it when someone, highly regarded as a grown up start nagging about something and turning into a headache !!
I mean, yeah, I hate true ya3ni such faces keda…
Its 1st time I shut up.. or may be reply in a nice way.. 2nd time I really keep shut up.. 3rd time I might use some sarcasm or cynical language.. 4th time I burst and even my inner guilt would never stop me from the cannon that would start to FIRE

You want something from the so called being "ME". Then say it ONCE. If twice then make sure I’ve asked you to do so, not from you HEAD. Ok.. then leave me alone after lying in some corner.. whatever.. Neglect me bgd.. and I will come to you.. I’ll just come..
But chasing me with your stupid questions, means I’ll lose my temper and won’t care much for such a pain called Mr./miss nag.

How stubborn, arrogant and hard head/heart I am.
YES.. then WHAT ?!

Guess what! I got 40 :|

Another email quizof the day.. I believe I've posted before. not quite sure. But anyways, solve it yourself, and feed me in with your results as usual ;)



1. When do you feel your best?!
a) In the morning
b) during the afternoon & and early evening
c) Late at night

2. You usually walk...
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people, you...
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side.
b) your legs crossed.
c) your legs stretched out or straight.
d) One leg curled under you.

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you...
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you.
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know.
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed.

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you...
a) welcome the break.
b) feel extremely irritated.
c) vary between these two extremes.

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie...
a) stretched out on your back.
b) stretched out face down on your stomach.
c) on your side, slightly curled.
d) with your head on one arm.
e) with your head under the covers.

10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points...
& see you results..
If you got..

OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with care".. You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant.. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you...

51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones.. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate..

41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head..They also see you as kind-hearted, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out, someone who'll always give them a hand..

31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken..

21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature...

UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring.But Only those who know you well know that you aren't...

My confession

The fact is, I can’t get along with someone for long. Its one lf my life’s tragedies begad. Hate to have someone, anyone near. Hate to know that someone, anyone will b sticking to me for long. And could my friendship to some is going ok for long, is that there were and still hell of limits and distances separating us. We are connected to one thing, only a thing, and the rest are left for individual interests. GOSH!
And the harsh part is that, I always feel guilt that I’m hurting someone, anyone always. Those who I meet with this stupid look and hard words. Just can’t help it begad.. can’t help it at all.

Leave me alone !

The one thing people do not seem to understand about me, is that when I am that down .. if I didn’t come to you –in person- and knock… then do not risk opening the door…
Else, do not get offended from my reflex…

Its when I need any of the 2 around so urgent, I find none..
And both in the same city..

I wonder why I got this strong ESP with that someone especially. I just love being around together.. may be doing nothing.. talking about all the none sense in the world.. listening to some crap.. but just being around for sometimes.. I feel secured.. I feel as if the whole world is pure nothing.. really the whole world is nothing

Yet I always have to wake up on the bitter reality,, the ruthless minds of the living beings and the stupid ignorance by who are we.. and looking at.. how irrelevant we look like..
GOSh.. I hate that.. and I hate that true..

I hate that f3lan.. and I wish to travel there right now and be with my friend (S) .. both of them.. I love them as a package.. thought they do not know each other that much…