Sunday, October 04, 2009

Bohemian Rhapsody

Sometimes, like today, I open a word file in front of me and stare at the white page with a blank feeling that I want to translate into words, and of course I fail.
I’ve been asked if I’m stopping my blogging activity, and I am not. I am not stopping because my activity decided to stop on its own. Words do escape, seem so repetitive and boring; like increasing hollow black spaces on a white paper.

Yesterday was my first time to use a pen and paper for inspiration, and listen to radio in many years. Mmm.. Remember when we used to say, it’s been days, then months, now it’s years, such an easy way to put it. It’s been years. Hell yeah! It’s been years! And other years expected to come? I wonder how hollow these will be.

Yesterday I also discovered that I don’t have any rituals that cheer me up. Not a favorite place or favorite voice I’d like to listen to when I’m down. In fact, when I’m down I’d like to be left alone. I don’t want to talk or hear anybody’s voice, or see or know about anybody. Tell me, how many times do I have to say I hate pictures so pictures would leave me alone?.. how many time I need to say I hate life and living, so life would forget me finally?
Am I trapped?
Trapped in fear of going somewhere of no return or staying where I am where no way forward?
@Serag told me yesterday, we will always be trapped somewhere even in our own imaginations. True. But what if you don’t have imagination to be trapped to?
What should you do when you understand suddenly that the sky is just void, not a dream to go up to. When you finally realize you can’t really fly because of your weight and gravity and you can’t really dance because it is haram. Tell me, what should I do when I know I can’t really live a life I want because that’s the way it’s meant to be. Living miserable inside, no matter how I tried to cheer myself up, because I don’t have my own rituals, and I don’t have favorite place, song, or person. What should I do now, when I’m begging myself to feel better.. and left with a blank feeling in front of an empty paper?
Everything and everyone will soon disappear and go away, os why bother?
Why linger to a dying hope? And empty promises?

Sometimes like yesterday, when I stare at my empty page I wonder, what is the meaning of life?.. what’s the wisdom behind the fact that everything will end, die or disappear at the end?.. What is the trick that makes everything look not the way they really are?..
“There is no spoon” my friend.. though you might be the one who did create that one..

Sometimes, sometimes like yesterday I dream of escaping, to start somewhere new away from the blank page. And so I try to look for another blank page that might be inspiring this time.. but trapped to the fact.. it will be a similar, if not identical, one..


Blogger Amr Eldib said...

"Sometimes, sometimes like yesterday I dream of escaping, to start somewhere new away from the blank page. And so I try to look for another blank page that might be inspiring this time.. but trapped to the fact.. it will be a similar, if not identical, one.."

It will be similar.
We think that a new place, new page, or even new people might help us. But actually the factor that matter hasn't changed, which is Us.
The only thing that would make a difference is, in a new place, we would stop caring about the old place. With new people, we would stop caring about the old people. In front of a new page, we would have new ideas that are not trapped inside what was trapping the old ideas.
If you can't do that, if you can't be a new you. The page would still be blank.

Most of the time, we're trying to fix the problems around us and we come to a stop because it's just too difficult. Maybe we should - for just a minute - stop trying to fix it and start trying to make sense of it. Think about it differently. Not fix it differently, but understand it differently.
That's how people start to change, and that's how, with no travel, you find yourself in a new place.

10/05/2009 01:13:00 AM  
OpenID myrealme said...

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10/05/2009 09:28:00 AM  
Anonymous moudi said...

i don't know you and you don't know's my first visit to your blog and i haven't read enough yet..
i guess that the page is blank coz we are not trying hard enough to fill it..
plus God asks us in the Holy Quran to think about his creatures not his wisdom..
i'm starting a new activity on my own..think, ta2amal, tsa2al, dig for el answers..w rabena ywafa2na kolena..hehe have a nice day :)

10/06/2009 12:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you considered cipralex?

You sound clinically depressed.

The rate of undiagnosed and untreated depression in Egypt is high. Religious fervor does not cure depression like they Sheikhs say on the tv dishes.

If a chemical imbalance exists and in your case it may, it should be treated with medication and psychotherapy.

I mean no offense but your words are those of a person in depression.

10/11/2009 11:15:00 PM  
Blogger Amr Eldib said...

Yeah, that's right.
If you feel depressed or any other feeling that you might not like, Take a pill.

10/12/2009 12:14:00 AM  

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