News break

Today was one of the strangest. Look, at the morning there was a simple interview in our IC lab for the digital project. (w ml a5r, kont mestabya3a). I didn’t care for anything. As if ba2a, that’s enough with the project, one more question is simple like trying to bring life to a dead body. Soo, the strange talk that happened didn’t really affect me, though the rest of the team went out of the lab with a “miserable sad” look on their faces. Guys! Answer me.. Since when we ever had such kind of oral conversations and we finished victorious!!!

After that, there was a sub meeting for the graduation project for the TinyOS team. I went too, you know, a3’atet shewaya :P.. and there for a second I had a strong feeling that I’m loved by ALLAH. I mean.. well.. the spirit itself I was looking for, and caused me my only 2 break downs I had in life entirely, as if its coming true now. I may be right or wrong, I don’t know. But seriously I LOVE my project team mates, all of them.

In the middle of our talk today, there I had to make a final decision for the optional subject I’m to take. Sadly, I had to choose a subject Bava is not going to have with me. Its like the 1st something we’d split into ever since we’ve known each other. But I couldn’t help it. I can’t study electronics. Not again. I hate it.

As I left them and about to take a bus back home, I met the TA who was with us in the Luxor and Aswan trip. Was really glad to see him. Soo, waved and cheered “aay, how are you.. etc”.. exchanged a little convo keda then every one went on his/her own way. Till I found a bus coming so I stopped it. Believe it or not, he took it with me too. That was fine so far till he actually paid the ticket. I was really searching for a crack in the bus floor to hide. Lol, that was a gentle act! Even though I don’t really like such thing…. You know.. that weird philosophy I have.. blalala… whatever.. I’m back home .. and no need to feel that embarrassed.. not anymore..

When I returned home, believe it or not I found the DSL is baaack! Hurray… so now I’m checking what’s missed in more than 3 weeks back. Phew! That’s a lot! People blubbered A LOT during my virtual absence.. I even got more to blubber myself.. yet as always for the coming couple of months or so, isA.. “No time”..

That was a quick re-cap for today’s memories, more of the same tomorrow morning :P at 9 o hundrerd hours.. make sure to tune in

TADA,, off I sign for PHP & MySQL..

Dust to dust..

These weeks I’m passing by the hardest experiences; my 1st times too. I feel quite embarrassed doing what I do, and feels a bit more like being awkward. Like, imagine a girl living in a nutshell, yet next morning she was thrown to live life for real, forced to walk in the streets, work on her own, deal with people. I reckon, she’d feel like people are gazing at her while its normal and may none recognize her in the 1st place, but she’s simply not used to it.

Well, you might not understand. And the fault is all mine. I don’t know how to elaborate. I don’t know how to tell exactly what I’m feeling now. Confused. Out of mind sometimes. Yesterday I needed to disappear after what I told mum in front of Bava and mai. I mean, no I didn’t offend anybody, yet the fact that out of nothing I said exactly what I feel and trying to hide. In fact, trying to make myself believe while I don’t know that I don’t. But your heart sometimes takes chances to speak on your behave without a prior notice. Bava looked more considerate than me. Ok, I admit it. I’m not good at dealing with the other. We are humans, but its not all what makes our identity. Tell me what is our identity? How can I separate you as a human than you as being a male or female, nationality, religion, living status, education, even your preceding reputation? It’s all about you and me. We, all of us, are not merely abstracts hiding behind a vague 2 words called “human beings”, and not simply a soul, flesh and blood. But a combination of all the previous together making what really makes you you, and me me.

I didn’t understand it before, and can’t even now. How can 2 people confront each other claiming each is on the right side, and none gives a damn care to think for a second why the 2nd can’t be right too? And why can’t I understand that fact too, how can I write here preaching while I am too proud to believe the other might be right too!!
The feeling itself is suffocating even if I know before hand all the above with the tiny details.
And what made me even belittle me in front of me that other day, the look I saw in Bava’s eyes. How can I speak bluntly that way?!
There are always things that should be buried unspoken. They might not hurt anybody, but would show a part of your identity that may be others might not get it right, because you didn’t put it right, or your heart spoke too open, or the thought is not readily acceptable amongst the rest.

Why do we live behind closed doors all the route, though the route itself holds enough surprises the doors can’t help in?…

I might be exaggerating if you knew the whole thing. And yeah true.. but the idea itself that triggered me to talk this way. I’m in bad need to talk with someone who’d understand me when I tell that I’m not an angle, but I don’t want to turn into a devil. I can’t be the other, but I need to have more .. hmm.. I don’t know.. but have more consideration.. or no.. let me put it right this way.. to have better ability to act normally and really mean it.

Hatred always burns the one who have it..
Though its not hatred now.. but God please.. I wish not to turn so someday..

Pages of my life..

I started –hopefully isA- the final term, can you believe it?
I can’t believe it.
I can’t take in that probably after few months isA I’ll have to run a life on my own. How can I make it? How can I adapt myself not going to college?! How…
Gosh.. that’s like.. like.. I don’t know!

Now I’m into the hassle of choosing my elective courses. Simply a headache that takes around couple of weeks at the start of every term, where everything acts as a massive mess. You can’t figure out what you should be doing and what not, which Drs. to join their classes and whom to dump. What reports to deliver and what not!!
Then… puff.. all of a sudden everything goes quite.. life goes on boringly normal for a month may be, till its high time for midterms…
Takh takh takh.. the 3rd world war is on for a week…
A week rest, then the 3rd world war on again till the end of the term..
All the reports, assignments, projects.. etc gather in the so called month between the end of your midterms and the start of the finals. Then silence back again. Either vacation or few un-finished projects, or training.. etc.. most important there ain’t exams anymore..
However, this term is abit different. For after the finals I’ll have a final month to finish the graduation project that apparently I know nothing about till this moment!!!!!

Man.. am I really really talking about 5 years of my life?
As if, my history started and ended within those years, and the previous have been forgotten. I got used to waking up at 6, and returning at 7 or 6 or 5.. I got used to.. I don’t know.. the lecture halls, the fun at the corners, the cafeteria, the class folk..
I got used to me saying “Hello, I’m blah blah blah.. Engineering student”..
Now.. no.. after few months isA.. “Hello, I’m blah blah blah.. and no longer a student”

I mean, I know c’est la vie, everything should be changing.. but I can’t help myself feeling that un-balanced. May be, lack of consciousness. The in-ability to believe a fact..
I’ve been waiting for this over 5 years, yet when its near, I don’t feel much comfortable having it..

Aren’t we all the same human after all?!

Can or can't.. thats the question!

I'm not a genius, but not dump as well. I know I'm smart. Very smart. And for some reason hate me when I forget the fact "no body can be perfect all the time"!

GOSH! I hate it when I feel low self confidence. When I forget everything and act as if I'm nobody.
I hate to be in the focus.. YES!
But hate to be treated as a leftover as well..

I am not good at college. Let me admit it. I'm doing ok, may be less than ok, however, fine. Just the memory that I used to be even better makes me feel sick. Every thing was going very very fine till the curve started to go down "exponentially" and that belittles me infront of other's eyes so I get confused and tend to lose faith in my capabilities, thought I know deep down "I can make it"!

I'm feeling horrible. I'm truly feeling horrible and can't control this "low self esteem" phase I'm having these days with every stumbling block passes my way.. I wish to have the chance to tell those geeks I meet

"Hay hay, nobody is perfect all the time so Stop giving me these looks!"

Me and Bava..

-- Bava, ana 3ayza a3ayat..
-- Ok, then 3ayati.. da aslan she2 moree7 gedan
-- ...
-- haaa, better?
-- 3adi... enti 3arfa eni maba3rafsh..

I'll go, try to study or sleep. I want to cry, cry myself to sleep. But I can't. I wish I can. I wish it all to end when I can't take the wrong and fed up with doing the right.

Nan, I want to belive you when you say "What doesn't kill you, well, doesn't kill you. God doesn't give us more than we can handle."
and what if..
no... "if only.."

Dignity..

You know that I felt as if someone slapped me at the face and hardly! Twice in the same day seems over for me. Never felt I am a cheap person as much as 2 mins ago.
And guess who are both of them who did it? One thinks I am a 2nd hand friend can come any time to ask for service then leave. And the other is another I don’t even know,, yet for the 1st time someone who ever asks such a STUPID, HORRIBLE, INCONSIDERATE, LAME, DULL.. MEAN Request..
I want to call it names cause I was never treated this way, and thanks to both of them, they ruined my night!

For me to remember.. I would NEVER EVER reply to such creatures EVER again. Not till the sky comes down or the stars burn away..

Somebody stop me!!

I was going to write something again depressed, when I checked our official forum, and something urged me to laugh out loud like crazy…..
I mean, I still can’t help myself… El dof3a deh, mehaysa awiiiiii…

Especially the replies under this note sent by our “microwaves” TA…

"Assalam Alicom,
For the MOST ANNOYING CLASS IN WRITTEN HISTORY...
The exam will be held on Wed ISA... End of story.
Study well..."

its our 2nd time this term to have some one telling us, we are the most annoying class :D



PS: thanks to Bava, Amira, Sheryos and his books, my dof3a… my gtalk…. And my pen and paper…
The last state would have lasted longer… but with them… who can resist!

Bottom line: In a world like our world.. There are no limits seperating limits and extremes...

arfana

I’m terribly tired these days and out of my nerves. Try to hold myself up, but can’t. each time I reply and reply vulnerably Kaman! No wonder people are giving me up..
May be that’s better…

I want to shut up.. yes! Closed my mobile 24/7 again, unless for alarm adjust… and unplugged my room phone bl mara. The msn is nearly closed… only left with gtalk, for the stupid project biz…. those who know me, realized I am not talking as much as before now, and became very silly.. not even when I heard the best of news today.. I took it “3adi..”.
Spend hours looking at the nothing on the screen without any proper benefit I can tell…
May be I increased listening to music these days?!
Guess right.. I listen like 24/7, can’t give up anything and everything.. even started listening to Jewish music from unknown places.. what the heck as long as there is something playing beside me..
I have the description to that, but can’t use it… its improper word I guess..

I am not good! Yes…
I wish to put the “shoe” pic as my avatar.. but I don’t wish to bardo… people will start asking “hay what’s wrong!” and I’ll yell in their faces…

My uncle is in the hospital, and probably will go out tomorrow because the doctor said “there is not hope, alas”.. soo, its only a matter of days… I don’t know..
I’ll miss him very… I want to go visit him awi and give him the biggest hug ever and cry with him…. Bas I can’t…
So hard to know you are waiting for….
So hard… I can’t go and see him this way… the last time was a heart breaking time to me….. imagine if I went now..
I hate me for being a coward this way….. ana gabana.. ana gabana awi awi ..

I have to sleep, but I’m sick of having to do list of things..
Have to go to sleep, have to drink, have to eat, to study .. even to breath…

Why don’t we do what we do cause we want to do it? Why always you find limits, boundaries and equations?!
You can’t take the ultimate maximum; instead you have to work out the optimum…

I don’t wish to have your optimum; your pills are no longer working for me…
Really people, get out of my face for the moment….. I hate it to show happy face because I don’t wish to hear the word “malek?!”

Mali, mana zay el fol… wl 7ayah ra23a w a5r enbsat……..

“get the hell out of here” the only phrase that struck in my head with ever fake smile forced to do.. but they can’t understand.. they can’t understand a thing….

W ana gabana awi,,, w da3efa awi,, w 3’abya awi awi awi…..

Give me enough space to breath, if you even force to do it!

He said, She said..

> hmmmmm..let me tell U a story then.
once there was a guy who wanted to be something.
so he promised himself when he got into the college that he'll do his best to get great grades in college
1st ,2nd,3rd he was doing OK
4th year he got bored of it all.
and he got pass
and in this country the final yeag grade waht really matters
so my advice to U...Pls. don't let it get into U..U R almost there....and only one step away from getting ride of lots of chains.

>> yeah, u r right as always
it needs more trying..

> I know
but trust me.....if U do your best this year ISA u'll remember these words later on...and ted3eely

>> ok,,, so i'll go study
look, i'll write them on my desk..
I know, i'll warm up by these words...



I never find enough "thank you" words for your support my dear friend :)

Can't talk..

Take to me.. show up and tell me everything is going to be OK!
Everything should be OK! Right?
We’ll go visit him again soon.. and he’ll be smiling as usual..
He’ll b smiling , but not showing any laughter.. sadness in his eyes.. ok,, don’t mind at all as long as he’d be ther for us..
We won’t get a word from what he’d be saying… I’ll nod my head to make him feel comfy and not to think he’s not understood, thought its true
I never caught a single word he said
But he’d return back safe and sound, right?
Tell me.. itell me its fine now.. and mother can go to bake him the cake… we’ll go visit him in the eid..
God please… not every eid some one passes…

I hate this life… I hate it…
Why do we live when every time we have to miss someone dear…..

Come around and lie to me.. I will believe you
I need to believe the lies…. I need to forget..
No, he’s not leaving that quick, was always strong and can make it life long.. he’s not leaving
He’ll return back come and we’ll visit him in the eid,, God I wont say I am studying, I promise,, and I’ll go visit him all day long and photo all his drawings… he never believed himself an artist,,, but he is one at heart,,
And.. I DON’T WANT TO BELIEVE HE IS LEAVING!
I feel helpless….. I feel terribly helpless…. Awfully helpless……..
And my mother.. I don’t wish to see her this way GOD please…. YA RAB…. YA RAB…

I will feel guilty if it ever happened and I didn’t visit him not in the hospital… but I can’t.. I really cant, and feel me a cowerd,, yes I am a cowerd ever since I saw him last time and can’t smile…. He’s condition was worst.. and I couldn’t see him this way.. I left!
And now……
YAAA RAB… YAAA RAB…. You are the only one to ask now… Help him for his kids and my mother…