My treasure..

If I started by saying that last couple of days I was feeling happy, you’d probably close the whole thing and take your leave *Please just bear with me a while*. Its just this same situation I am happy in without any proper reason. Though everything is going on the normal. I wake up to collage, to meet some boring people and attend even more boring lectures. I’d return back home to have a short nap till iftar. I’d sit with the family to watch one series on TV, then I’d start studying *suppose I do*. At 11 sharp, I mostly leave everything to watch another series from the TV program “3ala 5ota el 7abib” or “on the path of the beloved, prophet Mohamed pbuh” by the glamorous presenter Amr Khaled on Iqraa channel (by the way, it is now transmitted to the united states)

OK! Close the TV and log online.. I’d meet some nice folk to chat, sometimes till very late at night. Quite exciting to have a funny chit chat with friends from time to time. When its bed time, I’d shut down the computer and enter the kitchen to prepare the “se7oor” or “the last meal to prepare for fasting next time” then TADA TADA.. Zzzzzzzz
Next morning *as if for a change*, I have to run in the street to catch my bus all again on my way to collage!

As I was chatting with Olivia tonight, she told me: “may be because you feel satisfied and contend without worries or stress”
-- “Without worries” OK, could be
-- But “without stress” is crossed out.. I have piles of things to do with no much time left. UGH! I am quite a lazy person I have to admit. Leaving things in a real hassle undone and I just leave or may be run away.. why not !

-- Could be “feeling content and satisfied” then.
But tell me something, had I reached that level of feeling content of myself?!
That is a question I should leave to answer someday, somewhere, somehow.. or may be if you got a different opinion, then share it with me and our friends :)

However, before I go or you’d leave, I’d wish to add one more thing, Today I was feeling happy ;) *el 7amd lelah* *Thank God for everything after all*


PS:
I waited and waited yet nothing appeared beneath the starry sky they told me to ask..

20 Me..

So I am supposed to answer “Me” and “Tota” tag, which is to write 5 random things about me. But it took me so much time thinking, its hard to limit yourself to few points, until “Jia” just tagged me yesterday to write 20 random things about me !!!
So before I’d find them increased to 100 or something by tomorrow, I thought of hurrying to answer :)

01. Dreams:
After I started my studies in the faculty of engineering, I realized that wasn’t my dream after all.
02. Family:
I am living in Cairo with my parents and little brother.
03. Fact not Fiction:
This is my 1st post to write without looking at the keyboard while typing *how steadily I try to integrate myself*
04. Attitude:
No matter how daring I might seem to be sometime, still I stumble other people’s looks at me while talking or walking :$
05. Fact not Fiction:
I hate being a girl *sadly*
06. School:
The worst best thing ever happened to me *a shock, I know*
07. Love:
the least topic I tend to tackle any where. Excuse me, I’ve never been in a story before. *Though passed by some scattered crushes from time to time.*
08. Fact not Fiction:
Fareed el Atrash is my best male singer of all times *and say what you want, I don’t mind*
09. Personality:
though I haven’t seen my grandfather to my mother except for my 1st 3 years and half, then he passed away. I am widely known in my family to be another carbon copy of his everything life style and way of thinking.
10. Food:
I just hate cheese like no other kind.
11. Slogan:
always say your good feeling to your loved ones, without any reason or decorations; you’ll never know when the last goodbye is.
12. Dreams:
my life I wished to become a radio announcer. Now I added being a well known free writer.
13. People:
I don’t loath a type of people, as much as I loath dependent dump ones.
14. Fact not Fiction:
no matter how so many friends I have, whither in reality or virtually, none (he/she) is a close intimate friend *and I meant that fully* a double edged privilege I’d say. Missing being myself in front of someone, yet on the otherhand, happy not having all the eggs I owe in one basket.
15. Weirdo:
one of the best thing I enjoy doing in kitchen is uncover the garlic *afasas toom , hehehe *
16. Beliefs:
I believe love is somewhere looking for only me, if its meant to be.. we’ll meet after all in the middle of the road.
17. Attitude:
one of the worst things I hate about myself is how I look silly sometimes for not starting a “Hi” or “Hello” or even a smile to the ones I know that I know them quite well, and I know they know me as well. Still I’d wait for the other to take the initiative step!! That’s why some thought I am enormous *this expression is a rough translation from a friend’s last post where he mentioned me between the lines* and others thought I am arrogant
18. Attitude:
I’ve never hated except 2 people in my life, now I am re-thinking about the 1st.
19. Fact not Fiction:
I hate to be praised directly and in public.

20. No need to mention >> I am a strong internet addict .. and can’t get rid of that!!!!!!!!!!!

PS:
I am currently tagging all the people on my right-side-bar-list. Please take part of your time to write 20 random things about only YOU :)
E.N.J.O.Y.

Quoting Me..

Fool to think: He's different than the rest..

They are all but faces to the same coin..
Sadly, you are one!



PS:
I didn't forget your tag Me and Tota, its matter of deep thinking girlies, nothing more or less :)

Random bits and pieces..

Yesterday;
I had to visit my uncle, and returned very late at night. Its hard to see my uncle this way, mm.. your heart will grief his whole situation. However, the only one thing I never imaged is the changes I saw in my cousin’s attitude. Somehow he turned into a religious person I never knew before *masha2 ALLAH* .. suddenly he gave up his nasty routine and turned to face God with grief of what he did all his life, fear of what to become of him in the future and a hope to have God’s help and mercy to move on forward. You can’t imagine this serenity I can feel from his tone of voice.. just like miracles really do come true and not just for Ramadan..

Returned back home, to be told by a friend that he un-expectedly discovered my blog, in one of these weirdest coincidences you might think of. With little talks about our latest he told me: last time we talked you were confused, now I touched some changes in you. I got that through your words on the blog..!

Totally exhausted, hardly could I close my eyes to sleep.. so long I’ve hadn’t had this intimate sit with myself.. just me, myself and I.. so long I miss talking to myself, but things are always in rush..
Sometimes you feel yourself stuck in a life jam.. you are looking around to find you are surrounded with hundreds of other-selves standing around you in random separated lines and curves, however, you feel you are alone in a wide desert watching sun setting on you, half sleepy half awake.. believe you understand what is going on, while in fact you are the most ignorant creature you might ever meet in your short life!

Sadly, I couldn’t enjoy the moment of self talking.. I closed my eyes…

Today;
Wake up still feeling exhausted.. but I had to get dressed and catch the 1st session in our new training about Human resources management.
How so ironical! Didn’t I tell you: we know nothing about ourselves thought we pretend we do ?!
I am taking off my stuff and things heading for a place to try to understand myself!
As if myself is a total stranger than whom I am and so I need a hand to dig deeper and discover treasures, I might die and still they’d be kept hidden unknown.. un-realized.. un-used..
God!

The trainer said few outlines as an intro for our next session and the strategy we are going to walk by. I like the material going to be discussed *in sha2 ALLAH* mind mapping, NLP, analyzing characteristic traits.. he even did a simple experiment on one of the other members.. it was a shock for some of us!

Strangely, I felt I can understand this man.. he said he has strong telepathy.. but I say no.. he has strong sense of observation and prediction to the other response due his many experience. Yet, something inside me insets to refuse fully truth that person.

As soon as he finished, I ran out of the building. Somehow I don’t like standing with the folk. I like them .. some even I like alot.. however I felt I need to breath fresh air for a while.. so hard to feel suffocating in every place you go.. so hard to find the comfort with anything away from people’s existence in your horizon.
NOP, its not complex, I reckon.. and its not missing my confidence either.

I’ve been asked more than once.. “why do U like hiding away?”
And still and for always I find no answers available.. so without any bye byes I left..

Luckily, As I reached the station I found the CTA standing for me *please stop the envy green eyes :P :P*
On my way back I was thinking of my coming days.. how could I ever benefit my life?!
How to be productive wither for my own self or my nation or religion?!
I’ve tapped different routs in life. Not so many, but quite enough for a 20 years old girl. I imagined I saw myself at the end of some, and imagined I got astray in the rest.. yet after one wake up and one eyes closed.. I get lost between both.
Am I as good as I think?! Am I as talented as others repeat?! Or am I as simple as I am living?! And till where will I reach with my daily changes?!
And why don’t I find answers to the questions I have in mind?! Is it that difficult to watch a light hinting at the right way, or should I just walk in others’ shadows footsteps?!

Being effective is a difficult process to take, and even the more difficult is deciding which way you want to be effective and recognized in!!
Will I ever find mine?!

As I retuned to open the front door of my home, I couldn’t help but sleeping.. it wasn’t actually a sleep, but rather a nap or a state between being wide awake and asleep.. a state you got mixed up between reality and virtual hallucinations. I could see myself walking somewhere, and I could feel my feet paralyzed standing still, fixed to the ground.. I could hear my loud yelling and could feel how mute I turned out to be..

Am I sad or desperate or feeling low today?!
Actually no, I don’t think I was any of the above.. in fact I was happy.. happy again and for no proper reason. The same sort of happiness I feel each time I know I am going to go through an expedition to the unknown. And so I was happy, even till this moment when I am writing this few lines and listening to some few light melodies from my new age music collection, I still feel happy and relaxed though!
Could be I’d finish up my work today to wake up tomorrow as gloomy as I usually feel, and could be I’d wake up tomorrow still as happy as I am feeling now.

Going there is a true adventure I like doing from time to time. And even running away is yet another adventure I like living. Convincing myself that some how some might be asking .. :)

It was like watching my very own life raft floating away towards the open sea. And yet somewhere in mind's eye I thought I could see the faintest outline of land. Then it came to me that maybe that's the only thing life rafts are supposed to do. Taking the shipwrecked, not exactly to the land, but only in view of the land. The final mile being theirs alone to swim.

~*~ Anon

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.

~*~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Quoting Me..

When you all of a sudden feel you want to keep scilent..
you HAVE to keep scilent..

When you all of a sudden feel you want to say you are sorry..
You OUGHT to say you're sorry..

But when you all of a sudden feel you want to say you are happy..
I wonder why your heart keeps beating fast >>>


PS: I have the 1st choice now in mind :S

Blah blah bla...

Today I was out of words for a second, and then returned back to my normal!
1. Was it my choice?
2. Wasn’t it my choice?
3. The second passed

***

Downloading Matlab 7 as 1.17 GB is getting on my nerve already.. let alone printing the assignment!!
1. Because Matlab sucks
2. Because the assignment sucks
3. Because Eng. Ahmed Mo7sein is dashingly a n*** :@ *sorry sir, can't help your vulgar attitude*

***

Reading a post, then reading the other, then going thru the 3rd.. Made me think, where had I been:
1. Utopia
2. dreams-come-true fairy land
3. Your blog!

***

Enough for me not-to-understand the situation to realize its not of my business..
1. had you got that?
2. had you understood that?
3. re-phrase.. both 1 & 2

***

Say whatever.. I don't mind lying anymore
1. you lie alot
2. I like your lying
3. already went deaf..

***

Being stuck in a boys' section for the rest of my 2 years, makes me wish to .. UGH!
1. throw up *excuse me guys.. but I can't handle the situation*
2. scream in your faces
3. burn the whole building

***

Why had people, all of a sudden, stopped ringing on me!?
1. suddenly all of them ran out of credit
2. suddenly all of them lost my number
3. suddenly all of them forget about me!

***

going to bed to start a new day tomorrow, with eyes open wide..
can't sleep, can't do my work, can't study and can't help in the housework either
1. I am in that position
2. I am in that position
3. I am in that position! *don't ask me: wah!.. *



PS:
answer the above question and post them to my snail mail.. the more you send letters with correct answers, the more your chance to win one of Blue's special offers for this week..
1. a beat on the head
2. a scream in the face
3. a frown look

Pretty difficult to express when you are feeling that low.. *mahmoom awi*.. then suddenly you hear the Quran recited from no where..
Magically you feel you’ve taken off all the burdens.. and now your free to scream to all the people:

you fools, enough with it.. enough.. look at the days left in your lives.. stop the hate, stop the lies, stop the fights.. stop it all.. let us live together.. let us taste peace, serenity and tranquility.. let us love each other.. let us help each other till the rest of our days to come.. let us cuddle our flaws and forgive our mistakes.. let the bygones be bygones and just.. let me breath fresh air for once..

A dream within a dream

Dear who won’t pass by this letter;

I sat down to my desk today, since a long while now, preparing myself to study. Over 3 weeks passed already in my new semester, and I haven’t taken a single step forward YET! And guess what, I started with “electro magnetic waves” reference. We have been asked to prepare the 1st chapter for over a week now, however, I kept on postponing a day after a day, and now I am stuck, going through some stupid equations called *Maxwell’s equations*
I came across this line *the foregoing differential equations can be converted to integral form through the use of various vector integral theorems* then I stopped.
How gracefully the world keeps on turning and how non-sensely we try to ruin such beauty with complexity of deteriorating minds!!
Naa, I am not against science nor mathematical equations, its just I hate taking so much space, that we treat such delicate nature with a vision of numbers and set of rules..

As I was leaning to grip my pen back after it fell, I saw a folded white paper. I wrote that paper once upon someday for a list of songs I wanted to have, but I forgot all about..
That’s why you go away – Michel learns to rock
Nature boy – Nat king kol
The rain – José Feliciano
The wonder of you – Elvis
Until I find you again – Richard Marx.
Then my eyes met “if you go away – Sheryl bacy”.. Un-expectedly, it was on radio as well.. Call it weird coincidence or a mere luck.. Whatever.. I will still love this hit.
But this time it had a different taste.

Remembering my last decision leaving one thing I thought I love, because of other set of equations I had to stick to and solve mine, although I’d end up a loser both ways. I had to stand against my will to say “Enough I’ll have to leave”
Then in a memory flash I saw you sitting in front of my eyes with your back to the wall and looking up to the ceiling. The sound of my father’s voice asking you: “why are you silent still!” and your empty answer echoed in my ears..

So true you dreamt the impossible dream. So true it wasn’t your fault being worlds apart.

I turned my sight and saw her laughing out loud form her heart. Some how I admire seeing her shining smiling.. yet I turned to face your frown covering your every corner of your face. Somehow you ought to love her smile as well. Somehow you ought to make her happy after all.
Somehow We have to talk and walk.. to laugh and cry as we used to along the way of life and let her lead in front of falling shadows..

Let her live her dream and forget ours.. its her right now..

Yours sincerely;
Who can’t have what was lost..


PS:
sometimes I am glad that “return to sender” theory, exist in my life.

Talking about 1st day in Ramadan isn’t an easy task. For the flood of feelings you have can keep you silent for a whole year, till the next 1st day of Ramadan !

And due that exact feeling and the sudden awareness of piling up things to do wither in collage or in normal life, in addition to my terrible flu.. I guess I’d be keeping low profile in the blogging arena for a while.

Till my next real come back… keep your faith growing, keep the smile flourishing your faces and keep peace all around the place..
May Allah bless you all, and grand you his mercy and forgiveness.
And may you reach a place you’ve never dreamt of before.

Today is the DAY..........
Its Ramadan's Eve..

Many Many Happy returns of that holy month...
wait for the coming posts..

and remember.. "Wa'7awi ya Wa'7awi, Ramadan Karim ya wa'7awi"

Ice Cream

My mother left me all day long to sit by myself for I was terribly feeling low. Things were fighting in my head. Some way of losing your .. mm.. your focus, may be, or losing something inside I truly don’t have an explanation for. But I wasn’t feeling OK!

Until a friend told me: “its my duty to cheer you up ma’am” .. and things twisted a bit. Knowing that some person, any person, cares to ask: “how are you today! You don’t seem very well!” for me it’s a big something, its much bigger than any one can think, really.
Anyways, so I had to laugh some time, and cheer up the next, and I heard my mother coming towards me…
Mum: You look fine now..
Me: yeah, much better
Mum: go put your cloths on, we are going out.

*OUT!, we are going out.. its late already.. HEHE… you’re the best..*

And even though we went to the same very old club of ours, but I loved my mother even more and more. All the way we were sharing our gossips about my father and brother ;) then gossips about my colleges in collage.. *Yay, that’s the best part :) , you were all talked about by the way *
Then all of a sudden, she left me and returned with my favorite ice cream……. Crispy biscuits with Mastics flavor ice cream and pistachio…

We had some more giggles, and walked a little. Then back to Home sweet home …..


P.S.: Sorry for not inviting you to my ice cream, its was already mine ;)

Yummy Yummy.. I enjoyed my day ;)