Tuesday, September 12, 2006

usual *Me*..


Yeah I had to go out today with mother to go shopping. 1st we bought my brother a new T-shirt and chemise. I love buying him cloths by the way. Its always easy keda, and makes me feel happy bardo. But I do not know the reason why I was so frustrated today. As if the every single something irritate me gathered in front of my eyes. And was like, I don’t know. My face looked like a 80 years a lot lady.

-- I am frustrated.. -- from what?! -- let me count..

1. I hate shopping; I hate going around shops and trying outfits: S it’s very boring. Plus there is nothing like my style. I hate tight stuff, I hate over shining ones, I hate very long ones, I hate “eftksat” these days :S its like not me.. not me at all people.
Plus this stereo typing you have to enclose urself in.
Look, I am a Muslim girl who is wearing the veil right now, and got no intention to take it off by the way. But sometimes I think, what if I didn’t wear it, most probably I would be wearing whatever I like right now. Now I can’t wear what I like, like how I like. If I bought something, noo its too short, while it is NOT short at all! But the stereo typing, you are veiled now, you are a lady, you got to dress in this and that…
Whoever on earth told you I am a lady,, I am just a girl. me poor girl living in a forgotten corner in the universe blubbering all the nonsense to the cosmetic….. but who cares!

2. Its days and I’ll be back to college. I hate that place, and hate the people. I do not think even I got the chance to choose my project. I didn’t do that good last year. And so GOD! It’s like I have to send a new year in something I know before hand I’ll hate myself every morning for! Plus remember, no I don’t think I’ve said that here before. Lol, my father forced me to leave ACES though I’ve been accepted as a moderator this year. Imagine I have to spend a new year watching my colleges working together in the one thing that made me like going to that place, while I am not!
Masada2t I’m out of the break down I had couple of month ago..

3. the allergy in my nose makes me sneeze all the way. It bugs me awi, especially when I am in that condition. 3aaaaa….. off!

4. well my state itself. When I am down I lack a lot of myself to the extend loneliness visits me more powerful and clear. Offfft! Hate it awi that much feeling that I am alone keda and anything needed to be discharged then I have to blog! No one think of in particular to phone, or talk to or even to chat! No one by the word. Even the blogging itself, there is nearly no one I wait to know he/she reads my writings. Neither someone I wait to read his/her new posts. Its like,, nothing ever…

5. hate it when someone treats me as an angle. I am not! I am not an angle.. I am a human being and I make mistakes! Hate special treatment… really,, look at me as someone just like you, we are not different, I am not an alien from another plant. Really! Do you understand what I am talking about?
Each time anyone give me that look, I tend to do something to prove “I am not that very beautiful creature”, and so I regret afterwards that I did this or that!
Had you ever felt that you are not doing me very good ya3ni, you’r actually hurting me more…
Might be a complex, but that’s me,, a normal person with 2 eyes, one brain.. LIKE YOU, LIKE ANYONE!!!!!

6. Hate it when I say hate it like today. My mood is in the most horrible state I know. And so “hate” is there all the way, and so I hate it and hate myself for that..

7. I remembered once Ikhnaton2 said he doesn’t have a favorite something in life. Tell you what now, I tried to think,, what is my favorite book? I do not have
what is my favorite song? I do not have
what is my favorite state of mind… I do not have as well.. I do not have favorite at all… even the colors, thought it was “Blue” before, now I know its not just blue :S

while I was wondering between the outlets, I heard a song by Asala called “Hayati”, its brilliant.. I loved it awi keda, may be because I always wished to live as how she sings.. I do not know..
but hearing it even made my heart goes low even more :S

well, enough frustration and depression for today.. I’ll just leave now in peace, wishing someone, somewhere would listen ..

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