Sunday, March 19, 2006


If I said today was the worst day in my life, I might be belittling my feelings.. for today was may be the most emotional devastating day from all perspectives to me.. although it should have been the happiest..
We finally finished the conference events today, and can’t hide how superb it was.. starting from the crew –who nearly all of them became my friends- till the organizing, the workshops, the decorations.. everything thing was really wonderful.. but I had to cry yesterday night, since 9 pm till 4 am continuously.. till I had a horrible headache.. I was feeling as if someone is taking parts of me alive… I was so hurt deep down.. feeling pain.. real pain..

Moonlight may be the best person who understands my case… she along with Nan, Bavalova, Sheryos and AZ were doing excellent help trying to get me out of the mood.. but I just couldn’t .. “nefsi kant sa3bana 3alya awi awi” …

I never cried that much ever since 2nd sec. when I lost my best friends in a car accident. Since then I stopped crying.. I just hide everything inside me, and pile one over the other, and only yesterday everything evolved.. as if a volcano I never thought I could have…..
My mother was trying to hush my hysterical attitude.. bas I acted vulnerable towards her and other dear friends.. I was like a monster never seen before… “baaaaaaas ba2aaaaaa, kefaaaaayaaaaaaaaaa…. El darb fl mayt 7araaaaaaaam”.. that was enough…
One more “NO” I might hear and I might .. I don’t know… if I could ever leave.. if I could run away….
I know, one day, with all the echoes of those negative thoughts I have.. its either I’ll do it for real.. or.. turn mad.. and I am not exaggerating.. but its true..

Today I wake up with the same headache, yet with my mother’s comforting voice telling me to get dressed and go… but my eyes looked horrific! I had to stay alittle bit more in home till it might get better…
And then I went to collage.

The day was fun.. ppl were cool… but I was feeling extra horrible.. laughing without any taste of my laughter.. smiling without any eagerness to smile..
I wanted to stay there.. I love those people very much.. but felt like I am doing a boring job I can’t handle any more….. so I went out of a session keda, and met Tee at the stair case “were r u going?” .. “mm.. somewhere,, I want to walk”.. but he kept insisting and I denying.. “no I am ok, don’t worry”..
Along the way I met Dina and Nadine, they asked the same Q and said U seem absolutely down… at this point, I couldn’t hold myself any more.. so I said “I just want to walk.. PLEASE” … and started crying in the middle of the street… all the way.. I was crying out and loud… and for the 1st time in my entire life I was crying in public!! No need to mention how the ppl were gazing at me..
After around 20 mins I returned to the OC place, where I saw Bavalova, and so she asked “where have u been?” .. I was about to talk when I started crying again… but this time between the folk! .. I can’t imagine how I did all this…
So she took me to the bathroom, where I continued non stop… and due her magical way, I was able to laugh again….
Washed my face and went out .. peep.. its lunch time people..

Looking at the watch, and calculating, only 2 hours left, I have to make out the best of it… only when I acted strangely.. talking to any person I meet… I laugh loudly gedan.. and photo anyone walking… just anything and everything…. Going hyper like I never used to………………. I didn’t know myself then… but I was still feeling pain increasing awi..

I went through all the workshops with Noha, trying to catch the last few minutes before we leave.. people looked even more marvelous to be true, though almost all of them weren’t free to share the moment with both of us.. and some even.. ok.. it hurted as well.. or may be I was turning to be more sensitive lately.. I don’t know.. but I do feel bad very easily nowadays..

Fading slowly.. heading towards the stair case… we’ll finally say “bye bye” everyone… we’r not coming to the closing people… with some exclamation marks from here and there, I preferred to keep silent.. “ok I am not going”.. “why, all the people are coming” .. “but I am not the all people” *full stop*
Yeah I acted rude.. yeah I looked ridiculous… yeah I was about to cry again and scream as well.. but I hold myself…

At the gate we had our last laughter with ye7ya and nayer… was somehow cool.. when I saw the busses coming.. I took noha and left immediately.. I couldn’t handle seeing the people taking the bus and going out together while I am standing still waiting for my bus back home..

I took the 1st bus I knew might reach me some where near home.. and there I burst into tears again…. This time crying in the bus…. Amongst I don’t know how many people.. when suddenly i had my wildest thoughts invading all throug.. i was actually wishing to have an accident or something.. may be then *he* might feel someone is existing.. which i highly doubt..

Its never about the outing.. actually I am used to not going to outings with friends.. not just the ACESians.. but my school mates, my collage mates and even my relatives… but was never about outings… but the repetitive “NO” without any proper reason… NO for the sake of opposition.. for the sake of confirming “I am this house’s leader, I have the upper hand” .. but sadly I all lost passion for this so-called upper hand…

Long time ago, I thought I am an introvert.. I hated myself and hated being in crowds with people.. I started to tailor such image about myself.. and imagined every single detail about me being a loner.. not having friends.. not liking except to read… not willing to interact with the other… until, aces taught me that “I AM NOT”… “I AM A NORMAL PERSON..” .. I AM REAL NORMAL ORDINARY PERSON….. I talk, I laugh.. I like going out.. I like interacting.. I like to have friends around.. I like to have a group in collage.. I like to go trips with people.. I love to love and know that I am LOVED as well…… I JUST want to live a proper life…

I was crying, not because I wasn’t going out with people, but because one thing… I am 21 right now, but still, do not have the right to practice MY LIFE..


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7/18/2006 12:40:00 PM  

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