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There is no Spoon..

Morpheus:
You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth.
Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo:
No.

Morpheus:
Why not?

Neo:
Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus:
I know exactly what you mean.
Let me tell you why you're here.
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain, but you feel it; you've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....like a splinter in your mind...driving you mad.
It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?

Neo:
The Matrix?

Morpheus:
Do you want to know what...it...is?
The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now...in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes....to blind you from the truth.

Neo:
What truth?

Morpheus:
That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage.
Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison....for your mind.


From: "The Matrix" part 1

1.. 2.. 3 ??

I hold the pen so eager to write, yet as soon as I start writing, everything fades away. The state of mental block has extended so long so far. As if a dark coma. Can’t comprehend letters as before, neither Arabic nor English. Wasting my time more or less in trivialities. Always thinking about somewhere but here.

Tomorrow would be the 1st day at new school year with me sitting at home! It feels extra awkward. Every year I used to enjoy buying new notebooks, pens and pencils the most. Used to go shopping for new cloths, new shoes.. I even miss the feeling of obligation to sleep tonight because tomorrow is a new day, where I’d meet familiar faces; some of them are current friends and others future ones. Now.. I don’t think I’d have the chance to meet new people for so long.

I sound desperate most of the time. Today my cousin kept insisting that something is wrong with me, and when I insisted back that I’m ok.. he hinted about something else.. and if what I got is true then he must be kidding :S … mm.. I don’t know … the whole day was weird.
Starting by the 1st eftar we’d have in my uncle’s house without his wife (God rest her soul in peace).. my 2 cousines got engaged with kids now… and my other cousine is about to get married.. and my cousin himself who was talking earlier got engaged 2 weeks ago…
As if time passed so quickly all of a sudden..

I hate such days when you feel you are living as a call for duty no more. You go visit people because u have to not that you want to. I don’t want to talk to anyone these days..
More than twice I’ve yelled at my mother’s face today.. mm .. I can’t handle her jokes about me anymore, as if I need a slight push to fire.. that my uncle tried to calm me down, but of no use. I left the crowd and went to my cousine’s room.

Tomorrow is a new day, though I won’t be going to college no more 5alas.. bas yalla.. its matter of days always no matter how long.. and who knows.. I might have a job offer phone call tomorrow or something else..

And ah by the way.. I’ll wait another week before I’d call that person in charge for the dream job I talked about earlier. I’ll force myself to have a little bit more patience… for who really knows :)
Good night.. or morning.. you pick your pick and have fun..

Random thoughts..

Ramadan is here, you probably know that by now; and it would be the 1st Ramadan I’d spend as free as a bird, you probably can guess that too. Around 3 months since I graduated with no sign of a job so far, and not the slightest intention to apply for masters as well.
I think I feel more relaxed, though I wish to get a job right now more than ever. Few of my friends got either engaged or started a career, so it makes one feel kind of bored sometimes. I hate waiting, it’s not a new info. I really really hate waiting like no other.

The past days I went thru different interviews, one of these was for my dream job, I asked the interviewer when would the result appear and he gave himself a due date like a week and a half ago, however, until this moment not a missed call 7ata. And it makes me feel a bit down almost all the time. In addition to, yesterday I discovered a friend took the very 1st position I applied for. Mm.. wasn’t a famous one aslan, I mean there wasn’t an advertisement for it or anything, I knew it through the very person who interviewed me in that dream job by the way, and so I thought like ok.. I’m going to hit the skies.. but nothing happened.. I was rejected..
Now it makes me feel awkward.. God.. I know I’d really like there and do my best…
But I keep wishing upon the stars.. I don’t know wither to call that person again, or keep waiting a little bit more till ALLAH only knows when..
I don’t know..

Ramadan is here, and nothing changed more or less. Except for one thing, I lost interest in watching TV or sitting on my computer. I feel everything a bit useless keda.. so I thought of buying a big Canava portrait.. I’d start doing it then hang it on my walls sometime.. why not.. I love canava and should never give in to that feeling.. ever..
I wish to go to the mosque a little bit more often.. and organize my time more..
Have lots to do within a very short time.. should finish the CCNA course, should strengthen my French better.. should finish reading Quran and the books I added to my list by El Ghazali.

How do u translate “canava” into English by the way.. I don’t know… bas so far I am pretty much excited about that very very.. it used to be one of my hobbies long time ago..
So probably waiting isn’t as bad.. I’d reconnect with myself again.. bas God.. let me know wither it’s a yes or no quick… I can’t think any further in any other thing as long as I don’t know my status regarding my dream job :(

Blue feels sad, yet wishing you all a happy Ramadan..
Takabal ALLAH


PS: I borrowed the above photo from "The holy month of Ramadan" Blog..
PS2: Do you think I should call or email or wait?

To all women: Raise your heads, you are free..

This week may be one of the strangest for me. I don’t know.. I feel my heart is very heavy. I don’t really know what I really want. So I keep on trying being the me I used to be and read.

I read books like I haven’t in months, especially religious ones..
1. “Screw it, Let’s do it”: By Richard Branson, an excellent inspirational book that I’ve already extracted few quotes from it.
2. “El motahadoon”: by MECA, for reviewing the Coptic situation in Egypt.
3. “El mar2a fl islam”: by El Sheikh el GHazali, Dr. Tantawy and Dr. Ahmad Omar Hashim, an average one.
4. “El tadayun el mankoos”: By Fahmy Huwady, and already discussed in my Arabic blog, pretty thoughts.
5. “Kdaya el mar2a”: By El Sheikh El Ghazali, and this one even better.
6. “Gaded 7ayatak”: By El Sheikh el Ghazali, just started, and seems interesting to me.
7. “Say7et ta7zeer mn do3at el tanseer”: by el Sheikh el Ghazali, mm.. didn’t like it that much.
In addition to few books about Human Resources and other management issues.

Reading makes me feel peaceful. With every new info I gain, I feel me a better person, relaxed and satisfied. Especially when its connected to religion. Except for 1 fact that irritates me like hell, the gap between Muslims and Islam. Why is that so? Why Muslims let other cultures to interfere and impose such ridiculous ideas on the beautiful religion?
Islam didn’t order women not to work.. so why they call women to stay at home?
Islam didn’t call for illiterate women.. so why did they deprived women from their educational rights?
Islam didn’t call for women working as servants in their houses.. so why did they humiliate women all through her life?
Islam called for respecting and honoring women.. so why do women themselves accept being used as a sex toy?

God.. its ridiculous… that very same lame look women receive everywhere…
Now I wish to say it loudly..
I’m proud to be a Muslim woman.. and even proud to have a mind to think, comprehend and criticize..

Let's do it (2)

One of the very best books I've ever enjoyed reading, life long.. that defiantly will have an impact on my way of seeing life starting from now...


"Always living in the future can show us down as much as always looking behind. Many people are always looking ahead and they never seem content. They look for quick fixes, like winning the lottery. I know that goals are important. Money is important. But the bottom line is money is just a means to an end, not an end in itself. And what is going on now is just as important as what you're planning for the future. So, even though my diary is full for months ahead, I have learned to live for the moment."

"It was the first fight I had ever had with anyone. I was very upset that the fight was with my best friend. But by facing it head on, I stopped it from getting worse. The lesson I learned was that it's best to bring things out into the open. A dispute with a friend or a colleague can be sorted in a friendly way."

"If anyone asks me what I believe in above all else, I would say my family. I firmly believe in the family. I know that sometimes they split up, and I have been through some of that myself. And I know that some people don't have anyone. But close friends can be like a family. We all need a strong support network. Even though I was taught to stand on my own feet, without my loyal family and friends I would be lost."

"If you're starting in business and ask me if I have a lesson for you, I'd say "Be fair in all your dealings. Don't cheat - but aim to win." This rule should extend to your private life.
My motto is, "Never do anything if it means you can't sleep at night." It's good rule to follow."

"It's said that money is root of all evil. It doesn't have to be. Money can be used for good. The biggest charities in the world were started by rich men and women, but some were begun with next to nothing.
[...]
But you don't need to be rich to do good. Children used to collect silver paper and empty cola tins to raise money for good causes. Today, they go on charity runs or donate to Live Aid. There are many ways of helping others. One very simple way is to do no harm and that costs nothing at all."

"I believe we should assess our lives from time to time. Have we reached our goals? Are there things we can weed out that we don't need? I'm not talking about throwing away old shoes or broken chairs. I mean we need to lose our bad habits or lazy ways that hold us back and clutter our minds."

"All the things in this book are my lessons and my goals in life, the things I believe in. But they are not unique to me. Everyone needs to keep learning. Everyone needs goals. Each and everyone of my lessons can be applied to all of us. Whatever we want to be, whatever we want to do, we can do it. Go ahead, take the first step - just do it."

by Richard Branson
from his book "Screw it, Let's do it".

Just remembered a hit..

I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night
And still have danced some more
I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things
Ive never done before

Ill never know what made it so exciting
But all at once my heart took flight
I only know when he, began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced, all night

From "My fair lady"
Sung by "Marni Nixon"

Let's do it

"Not all of us have the money to start up a business, or the luck or the chances aren't there. Sometimes, you are just glad to have a job - any job. So you grab the job in the factory or the store or the call center. You might have it, but you try to make the best of things. But it that fun? I would say do you really have to stay stuck in a rut? Is that job you hate really your own option? Whoever you are, you have other choices. Look around. See what else you can do."

"Some you win and some you lose. Be glad when you win. Don't have regrets when you lose. Never look back. You can't change the past. I try to learn from it. We can't all run big airlines or trains. Many people have more modest goals. But whatever your dream is, go for it. Always beware if the risks are too random or too hard to predict, but remember, if you opt for a safe life, you will never know what it's like to win."

by Richard Branson
from his book "Screw it, Let's do it".

PS: Personal advise, go for it and read that book!
Thanks JP for the recommendation ;)

Back from there..

So I returned back from Matroh. Was a nice summer vacation, thought not my best. Mm.. few conflicts with my father as usual. As if he can’t enjoy a week without a fight. 3adi.. isn’t it?
Yes, turned dark 5ales ..
Met few nice people. There is a gathering next Thursday, and probably I wont attend. This stupid Vodafone training I’m having at the moment is consuming all my afternoons.
My ears hurt awi.. and officially I’m turning deaf. F3lan, I can’t hear anything. And people got to raise their voices a lot so I can figure out the words spoken. Even today I was acting stupid searching where is the phone ringing while it was just beside me! Duh!
Tomorrow most probably I’ll go to a dr. isA.

I want to work ba2a!
I know that still I’m encountered as a fresh graduate, a very recent one who got not to worry about work. But look at me. I’m an average person, with very little skills concerning technical life. Low cumulative grade. I don’t know!
I was fresh yesterday as I returned home wallahi! I was joking and having fun.. I’ve met very nice guys and gals and had a lot of good times together all the week long. But something was pushing on hard on me. Even my mother asked me what was wrong with me. Frankly I had no clear another. I didn’t really know whats wrong. Something was just nagging me, forcing me not to fully enjoy my time, even to dislike keda gatherings no matter how much I enjoy it.

Was trying to learn CCNA there by the way. And tell you I hate it. That’s all what I’ve learnt through out the vacation, I hate networks, communications and electronics .. LOL! Would never make a good engineer, that’s how I think.
GRRR! I wish to stop thinking in this working thingie y3ni.. tab what about those who got army lessa in January or so. Ain’t I better?
And I can’t empty this tiny mind ever.

Lost interest in reading and writing f3lan. Unless its something I need now, I wont risk sitting in front of a book reading.. its getting on my nerve recently.
Not in my good shape.. though I was so yesterday… could be the hot atmosphere that sucks f3lan. Could be humidity.. could be the shocking fact that I’m stuck again in Cairo for at least a year and may be longer..
Who knows..

Wish to blog in here more often…
Will try..

Not in the mood for love..

“what? You love me?” she asked, “no I don’t” so I replied, then we continued walking..

I was amazed at the sudden question my mother asked me after asking her to take care of a hidden hole in the street she might stumble while walking. I was amazed because after 22 years of my life, living between my family members, my mother is doubting that I love her, while the fact I always repeat that she’s my best friend blalala… now, I am, myself, not sure of anything..
mm.. how to say what I feel exactly you think?
I don’t love to love in fact. Hmm.. no, not exactly.. do not love to love in the ordinary way.. I hate such expressions as “I love you”. I hate red hearts, and Romeo kneeling under the balcony singing. I hate buying flowers as a “love” sign. I hate to kiss people on checks and hug too. I rarely do it passionately and true. I hate acting as a teddy bear or “dalo3a”. Gosh!. You can list all the “traditional” forms of “Loving” or “being in love” or “living in a loving atmosphere”, then add “I hate” in front.. and tada.. you’ve got my list complete..

For most of you I’m sure it would sound strange. I’m a romantic person. That’s very true wallahi. A dreamy one too. But I don’t know how to live that for real. How to love aslant.. or no.. how to show love without feeling I’m acting or I’m weak.. I REALLY REALLY hate being weak in love.. being committed too. Being responsible for a certain person.. being a partner…. Yes.. partnership is not my last preference 7ata.. and yes I am a weirdo..

I don’t know if I love me too or not. I don’t know. Just like anybody else. I really love my mother ya3ni.. no question about that.. but I don’t know how to show it. I thought she should understand that by her own. Though to tell you the truth.. sometimes I don’t know 7ata if I love her that much or not… begad.. I feel confused about the term itself.. and I don’t know what do I want aslan.. and I feel afraid...

Just talking.. not wishing for a conclusion or a cure… just talking.. so I need..

Priorities, priorities..

Now that I’ve finished college and just graduated, WOW, I think I’m in bad need for a change. Change as in everything. Surroundings, people, habits even knowledge and education. I’ve applied for many jobs and just did 2 interviews, tell you.. both sucks! Simply because till now I haven’t clearly thought about my wishes and priorities.
You know lately, I’ve discovered that my English is horrible. It’s a matter of little vocabulary I play with and that’s all. Even the simplest of the simple phrases are messed up in my head. Measure on that my academic education, and my general knowledge. Mm.. let me say it loud.. I lost faith in me.

Yesterday at the interview the guy asked me what do I wish to work? And so I thought for a min.. “human to human relationships is the best”.. so I suddenly said “HR”.. tell me now.. what do I know about HR to believe it’s the best place for me?.. add to that, my bad need to learn how to deal with people in the 1st place..
And what If I can’t decide wither I like electronics or communications as working fields?!.. Don’t you think that I live a haphazard life??.
No, might not be that.. but a mis-used life thought, I guess..

I’m an average 22 years old girl who believes sometimes she’s going to be the center of the universe, yet nothing is shown yet. Was average in college, may be just below that according to my friend’s results. Not a brilliant somebody, don’t have “wasta” or special talents. So….

Today I’ve started remembering my French.. yaah! It’s been a while since I’ve lastly practiced that. “oui monsieur, comment ca va?”.. and as soon as I’d finish the current download, I’ll study CCNA as well in addition to reading “Al tadayun Al mankoos” by Fahmy Huawdy, as recommended by my friend Mokhtar El Azizi..
I’m planning to buy an mp3 player to listen to audio books and learn right pronunciation for different languages. Well I have little Spanish.. why not try to develop myself there too.. may be ask my brother and a relative of ours in German courses as well..
You know, I wish I can be that highly cultured girl I usually dream of.

BTW: for Al Sharif and JJ.. you made my day seeing you still around.. :) I always enjoy reading your comments with a wide smile upon my face… keep it up and shine on my virtual friends ;)

Blue is going somewhere instead…