Traps of mind

A musical CD. Just a normal musical CD I have. If you looked close, you might ask yourself million times, what makes her treasure it this way?.. and I certainly do.
I keep playing that one, that specific one over and over again, non stop. I totally love how I adore it.. The passion shivers me with every time I pass by piece number 16 is indescribable. Starts with thunder, piano then violins.. and tickles of falling rain drops.. all sort of gloominess in the universe.. then a sudden up rise in melody.. slows down.. slows down more… piano interferes… scratched by the virginity of young children playing in the background.. water moving.. then piano and violin and children laughing once more..
Hope? Does it sound like hope to you? Mm.. for me it doesn’t.. or may be it does.. I don’t know.. love it.. and can keep on listening till forever.. and what else would I need in life?!
Yeah.. you tell me.. what do I need?

Me? Old beggar for a sip of inner warmth and trust that I can bare it though.. life is like circles.. parabolic curves in other words.. you start at a point.. walk around for some time, then return back. You’d always return back to the same point. No one stays where s/he is.. and yet no one changes too.. amazing truth I’ve discovered today by the way. A novel and film. The film showed a feeling less person who changed into a lovable character, who changed his materialistic life in live in a farm.. which to me sound like utter fiction. And the other novel talking about someone discovered the reality about life that no body, no body what so ever changes. And that’s a fiction to me too.

Stupid life is.. or as wicked as it can be.. playing games, lots of games.. watching us and laughing.. I can hear the voice already..
So dear that I wish to spit on it right now.
If it’s a desert.. why would it pour not rain? Why would it cause such a misery for someone who never asked for anything. Not misery, but a miserable confusingly misery. And yet it pours, and yet it pours again..

God help me out!
If the curve reached a peak once.. why would it ever go down with such heavy burden on shoulders and crack in the heart?
A word can kill.. and can be the very same that sentences lands to revival..

Serious addiction..

Obviously I’m not blogging.. for un-defined reasons. YES! Thinking problems are there within my mind. More of being confused about a certain issue that’s taking all the space I have in my brain.

Yet as a matter of a habit.. well sort of.. here are my last punch of movies seen lately..

1. The English patient: Sucks
2. Toy story 1: beautiful
3. The ladykillers: Sucks, couldn’t even complete 15 mins
4. Notes on a scandal: good plot.
5. Eternal Sunshine on the spotless mind: good plot, horrible Jim and Kate.
6. Because I said so: Light
7. Life, or something like it: Horrible. Hate mrs Jolie.
8. The prestige: excellent.
9. Monsters, inc.: average.

I think that was enough!.. on the list

1. Music and lyrics
2. About a boy
3. Butterfly effect
4. Toy Story 2
5. The Schindler’s list
6. Happy feet

I hate the today's feeling
and I hate pictures the most..

My mother, saw me that depressed.. SO she plucked a flower from our balcony.. a beautiful white with yellowish patches- flower.. and gave it to me..

We won't forget

Lets open the Egyptian POWs files

Movie(s) night..

Who’d believe I’ve finished 3 exams out of 6 just yesterday?! Now I am only half the way to go. Yet feeling amazingly bored to the extend that I’m having the next ALLAH’s ,most annoying subject “Networks”, and I am wasting my time watching movies, eating, sleeping.. or even gazing at the wall.
Grrrr…. Let me not start that talk…

You know I’ve watched 3 movies in the last 3 days! Something that I haven’t done in a long time I think. Am I that addicted to films? Guess yea.. guess I am.. especially that my recent wish is to have a much faster broadband to download a film daily.. hehe.. I just discovered few important titles that’s a must watch by anyone, and yet I haven’t tried!
Sooo.. guess now I am trying to compensate my lose with the little few ones I have..

So let me go in order..
1st one was “Pirates of the Caribbean: Part 1”.. Yes,, I am that old! .. look.. it’s a problem.. I know.. I hate things even without trying.. and I’ve been resisting watching that particular one for so long, till few friends were actually mocking me, as they were going to part 3 in theater.. soooo,,, the little fighter inside me showed up more courage to watch part 1, at least to know whats the whole fuzz about! And guess what :S it was a hit.. “Pirates of the Caribbean” is a one hit :D .. however to tell you the truth.. its not that type of a must-watch-again movies.. mmm… I wasn’t enchanted by the music (at all).. even the dialuge wasn’t very great y3ni.. bas the story is catchy keda.. adventurous .. lol.. good enough if you wish to watch something and not fall asleep..

Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.

For a note y3ni.. before that, I was about to watch "Hoodwinked".. but I was saved after the 1st 30 minitues or so.. it’s a total boring one.. NEVER go to it if you are animated film’s fan like me. Just get away from it..

Ok ok..
The 2nd was “The holiday”.. a typical American story. Destiny, fate, coincidences, true love stories.. blalala… the music is not excellent. Dialog is not that perfect.. story is repeated in a way.. yet something about it makes it worth watching..
As a 2nd thought, I felt like, may be showing 2 lives in parallel makes it unique in a way? I don’t know.. it always bugs me.. not bugs me.. makes me wonder.. how can God manage to run all these lives all together at the very same time. So watching them in a movie brought but the question again to my mind.. what are you doing now.. no matter who are you.. I don’t care as long as you are living away from my house!
And ah, for the memory.. the scene I couldn’t help the emotional flow in, was when Arther was to enter the big hall and find those hundreds of people saluting him. Was like me imaging myself in his situation. Almost a forgotten 80 year old lady, who used to be famous and now I’m asked for an interview as such with my expectations to be as small as possible. Then as a surprise.. noo… people still remembers me! God! That would make me feel extraordinary..

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

3rd and last one for today, an old one somehow, but of all times best movies, I reckon, or it better be! “enemy at the gates”!
Grrrr… that one was fabulous… yup f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s.. look… to agree up that.. the dialog wasn’t good at all.. not to the level of the film.. however, sound effects and the background music were out of this world! Wonder why it was reminding me with "Schindler’s list" all through the film!.. yet.. grrr…. Loved it.. the story is very interesting to me.
By the way, its not my 1st time watch. I saw parts from it on TV before, but never concentrated as today. Was like, me Vs. it.. who’ll win.. and believe now.. that one! A must-be-watched-again-and-again..
And! I didn't find the quotation I liked on imdb.com .. so probably later I'd try to write it down.. Now I got no mind for that...

Ah.. what makes me wonder by the way, the coincidence of watching 2 movies at random for the same actor "Jude Law". Yup, no doubt now he turned to be one of my best ;) .. loved his calm and confident way of acting.. yup.. way to go Jude.. I’ll be watching your coming work isA..

People, no escape.. I SHOULD go back to network (as if I started aslan)..
Wish me luck, I hardly need it..

The Strength of a Man

The strength of a man isn’t seen in the width of his shoulders.
Its seen in the width of his arms that circle you.

The strength of a man isn’t in the deep tone of his voice.
It is in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn’t how many buddies he has.
Its how good a buddy he is with his kids.

The strength of a man isn’t in how respected he is at work.
Its in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn’t in how hard he Hits.
Its in how tender he touches.

The strength of a man isn’t in the hair on his chest.
Its in his Heart…that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn’t in the weight he can lift.
It is in the burdens he can carry.

The strength of a man isn’t how many women he’s Loved.
Its in can he be true to one woman.

© July 15, 1999
Jacqueline Marie Griffiths
(written for Hunt D. Rochon)

extracted from:

http://pravstalk.com/2007/05/26/text-mail-the-strength-of-a-man/

Listen and enjoy..

I simply fell in love with Yasmin Levy's song.....!

Just made my yesterday.

Passing by thoughts..

Tomorrow would be my 1st exam isA in the last time exams life long “yaaaa Rab”.. I know, I might be over stressed, reacting horribly to dear people, and even to myself sometimes. Yet you think that’s an excuse for me to have such nightmares?
Basically speaking, I’m a one person who doesn’t dream at all, and even if it happened once upon a time, then make sure I’ll never remember.. that’s true wallahi… except these days.. I am having nightmares either at night or day light, and the fact that each time I wake up as if the dream just happened for real.. remembers the feeling, the incidents, the fine details, plus having a horrible headache. Mm.. what you think?
Its all concerning 2 main issues in my life these days by the way. And I just wish to live in peace now adays. I’m having much urgent things to worry about! .. grr… I hate dreaming in all sorts.. the good and bad..

Enough with wasting my time.. back to studying.. bye

Nostalgic on a verge of a road..

Today..
Just woke up from a long nap. I sleep a lot these days and always feel tired. Yet after all, allow me to say the 2 words I have in mind then ok, as promised I’ll go to study and for real.

I remember 2 years ago very clearly, at that time of the year when I wrote “starry starry nights”.. and was for the today’s same occasion.
Taking my final lecture in college *believe that or not*. But yes, hopefully my last ever.. eternally… and for the 1st time too I forgot some of my papers somewhere there.. I hate that.. I hate me when I forget.. when I’m acting as if some alien from the outer space.. so I'll write to remember.. I'll write to engrave every single thing in my mind..

2 years passed?
Can’t believe a thing.. “Life is but a dream”.. one of my favorite quotations.. don’t you think so too?.. it starts and ends and pass you by without you getting in why, how… por que y para que?.. as said..
Remember that post was the 1st Tee would comment on. Hmm.. you know what I hate the most in me?! .. I usually take much longer time to let people into my life. I always give a cold look that would manage to give a rough impression about me. Always. Yes I am shy. That’s a fact. Hmm… as I look back now at the past 5 years.. you know I could have known even more people. I could have shared even more memories. I could have delved more into the personalities I can see their faces in front of my eyes in a random sequence. So many beautiful souls I’ve met in college. So many to extend I might not imagine a cruel world any more. YES! And I mean it..

Now…
Don’t think I hate college as much as I did 2 year ago. But yes I hate it enough to wish leaving as possible. May be I have my own reasons for. Yet above all.. “enough is enough”.. can’t take in any more limits.. mm.. dreamy look for the future? .. may be yes, may be no.. I don’t know. 22 years passed and haven’t left my comfort zone a lot. May be never. Had lots of falling downs, frustrations, stress, disappointments.. but laughter too.. as I recall now.. no, may be I didn’t have dreams to look up to very often in my past 5 years. May be in my prep year was eager to join the TA stuff.. so I kept on studying as hard as I can. Even remember me studying in 21 the bus on my way to college and back. Got high grade that’s fine.. yet knew a fact.. I can’t be a TA.. so why the hell should I live life fighting windmills! I’d be left in the middle unrecognized by a lot, dissatisfied a lot and accused to laziness too! There started the change in life… completely… but that wasn’t a dream after all, but a decision I took.

Years now and me not me the one I knew before and yet not me the one I’m looking up to. Probably I’ve reached a better position, though probably you’d think not. But I’ve fought inside me miles of.. mmm.. what? .. no.. I didn’t fight as much as I imagine now.. I think its normal.. we already go college to learn how to change, and adapt ourselves to the wider world.
I will miss college *no doubt*.. but above all I’ll miss faces, places and memories shared..

You know, since the funday, I was passing by a notebook for people to write me anything they wish to. And ever since I was determined not to read any until I’d finish college. Yet today Saramir insisted I should be reading her note. So I did on my way in the bus, and couldn't help me but going through other people’s notes as well… For a second, I was having tears *am I turning sensitive lately, for real?*. Seriously I was.. there were too much love between the lines I can’t imagine its there for me somewhere!..
I didn’t imagine I am seen as such between my fellow colleagues.. *again, believe this or not*. Well ya, I know when I am somewhere I’m always recognized after sharing in a conversation, or certain work.. or whatever.. but yes.. sometimes I turn out to be the focus.. yet never believed I’m loved.. mm.. even now when I’d remember that exam day very clearly, I was giving books to B. for Sheryos, when a colleague of ours passed along to say “you know, away from the exam and stuff. I have to tell you that I really appreciate your replies on our forum. I always feel your words are balanced” or something as such.. I was flattered like crazy.. as I mentioned before too.. pretended to be busy, finished up everything quickly and left the place…
In an urgent need to breaaaaaaathe! Hate praises… thought it makes me happy :D .. like a diabetes who likes gateaux… yet today I read A LOT.. that left me with this feeling running all through me.. “how could I leave such people?! how could I know -only now- I am that loved?!”..

Ya.. can hear you say “c’est la vie”..

Left the bus to have a nice walk with Bava in Korba. Like this place, like walking, wondering up to the buildings.. there it seems a quite place outside hectic Cairo. *Believe it or not for the Nth time*… I bought mango ice cream. Probably I’ve not tasted mango ice creams since 12 or something.. its always 1 of 3 kinds.. mystic *you already know that*, chocolate or hazelnut. Yet enjoyed it as if its my 1st time to taste mango… bought ta3meya.. or do you call it falafel where ever you are reading?.. its ta3meya (a.k.a flafel.) .. and was great… bought for my family too.. its still there cause they weren’t as interested as me. Hmm.. I was kind of celebrating my last day in college with one of the best people I met there..
Now as I think, what makes her my best?
There are lots of things between us that’s different. Mm.. she even got lots of things I hate, and probably she does too.. yet we stayed on as cool as we are el 7amdo lelah… and believe it or not :D *you gotta hate this phrase after this post I guess*… unlike normal friends.. we’ve never had a fight or a clash for a single moment… and by the word.. never.. mm… strange, isn’t it?..

Returned home and was about to have a short nap.. I promised to study chapter 1 & 2 antenna… but the nap was preceded with lovely talk.. and extended till now.. to wake up.. reading… feeling.. remembering… nostalgic.. thinking.. pondering.. wondering.. dreaming… hoping.. wishing up on a star…..
Yes.. now think I love my life.. love the every single aspect and perspective I’ve taken or thought of.. proud of my self till arrogance..
I’d never wish for a better arrangement for life than this…el 7amdo lelah..

Am I ready for the road to life?
I don’t know.. I don’t know except me wishing to end exams now fine.. have good job.. and start the challenge hand in hand with someone who’d care… won’t it be lovely?.. not walking alone any more?.. not thinking alone… I don’t know… haven’t lived it.. yet guess now it would be.. lovely… and probably then.. I wont be scared of life as I am used to…

It was brilliant experience living the past 5 years in my life…
God bless the memory..


PS: true, I'm going to start now... :)

A touch from a feather...

Thought of writing here few words.. yet words escaped...
Thought of whispering few murmurer in here.. yet.. could not..
the piano playing.. and me waiting..
it feels strange.. feels awkward sometimes..
when I am not me anymore..
I've been touched..

When words lost their value... and whispers are no longer heard..
but yet felt..
it feels strange..
it feels like early morning rain.. and few dew drops..

a feather falling from sky above...
So quite the world.. so beautiful and washed up..
the green looks greener.. and Blue no longer sad...
no longer as lonely to ponder upon..
anger is no longer red.. and yellow is peaceful instead...

The feather is falling.. and I didn't wake up..
I didn't wake up..
Now, I really wish to ever not..

It feels strange..
Like words can't really tell..
I've just been touched..


Theme: the feather.. Forrest Gump