Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Nostalgic on a verge of a road..

Just woke up from a long nap. I sleep a lot these days and always feel tired. Yet after all, allow me to say the 2 words I have in mind then ok, as promised I’ll go to study and for real.
I remember 2 years ago very clearly, at that time of the year when I wrote “starry starry nights”.. and was for the today’s same occasion.
Taking my final lecture in college *believe that or not*. But yes, hopefully my last ever.. eternally… and for the 1st time too I forgot some of my papers somewhere there.. I hate that.. I hate me when I forget.. when I’m acting as if some alien from the outer space.. so I'll write to remember.. I'll write to engrave every single thing in my mind..

2 years passed?
Can’t believe a thing.. “Life is but a dream”.. one of my favorite quotations.. don’t you think so too?.. it starts and ends and pass you by without you getting in why, how… por que y para que?.. as said..
Remember that post was the 1st Tee would comment on. Hmm.. you know what I hate the most in me?! .. I usually take much longer time to let people into my life. I always give a cold look that would manage to give a rough impression about me. Always. Yes I am shy. That’s a fact. Hmm… as I look back now at the past 5 years.. you know I could have known even more people. I could have shared even more memories. I could have delved more into the personalities I can see their faces in front of my eyes in a random sequence. So many beautiful souls I’ve met in college. So many to extend I might not imagine a cruel world any more. YES! And I mean it..

Don’t think I hate college as much as I did 2 year ago. But yes I hate it enough to wish leaving as possible. May be I have my own reasons for. Yet above all.. “enough is enough”.. can’t take in any more limits.. mm.. dreamy look for the future? .. may be yes, may be no.. I don’t know. 22 years passed and haven’t left my comfort zone a lot. May be never. Had lots of falling downs, frustrations, stress, disappointments.. but laughter too.. as I recall now.. no, may be I didn’t have dreams to look up to very often in my past 5 years. May be in my prep year was eager to join the TA stuff.. so I kept on studying as hard as I can. Even remember me studying in 21 the bus on my way to college and back. Got high grade that’s fine.. yet knew a fact.. I can’t be a TA.. so why the hell should I live life fighting windmills! I’d be left in the middle unrecognized by a lot, dissatisfied a lot and accused to laziness too! There started the change in life… completely… but that wasn’t a dream after all, but a decision I took.

Years now and me not me the one I knew before and yet not me the one I’m looking up to. Probably I’ve reached a better position, though probably you’d think not. But I’ve fought inside me miles of.. mmm.. what? .. no.. I didn’t fight as much as I imagine now.. I think its normal.. we already go college to learn how to change, and adapt ourselves to the wider world.
I will miss college *no doubt*.. but above all I’ll miss faces, places and memories shared..

You know, since the funday, I was passing by a notebook for people to write me anything they wish to. And ever since I was determined not to read any until I’d finish college. Yet today Saramir insisted I should be reading her note. So I did on my way in the bus, and couldn't help me but going through other people’s notes as well… For a second, I was having tears *am I turning sensitive lately, for real?*. Seriously I was.. there were too much love between the lines I can’t imagine its there for me somewhere!..
I didn’t imagine I am seen as such between my fellow colleagues.. *again, believe this or not*. Well ya, I know when I am somewhere I’m always recognized after sharing in a conversation, or certain work.. or whatever.. but yes.. sometimes I turn out to be the focus.. yet never believed I’m loved.. mm.. even now when I’d remember that exam day very clearly, I was giving books to B. for Sheryos, when a colleague of ours passed along to say “you know, away from the exam and stuff. I have to tell you that I really appreciate your replies on our forum. I always feel your words are balanced” or something as such.. I was flattered like crazy.. as I mentioned before too.. pretended to be busy, finished up everything quickly and left the place…
In an urgent need to breaaaaaaathe! Hate praises… thought it makes me happy :D .. like a diabetes who likes gateaux… yet today I read A LOT.. that left me with this feeling running all through me.. “how could I leave such people?! how could I know -only now- I am that loved?!”..

Ya.. can hear you say “c’est la vie”..

Left the bus to have a nice walk with Bava in Korba. Like this place, like walking, wondering up to the buildings.. there it seems a quite place outside hectic Cairo. *Believe it or not for the Nth time*… I bought mango ice cream. Probably I’ve not tasted mango ice creams since 12 or something.. its always 1 of 3 kinds.. mystic *you already know that*, chocolate or hazelnut. Yet enjoyed it as if its my 1st time to taste mango… bought ta3meya.. or do you call it falafel where ever you are reading?.. its ta3meya (a.k.a flafel.) .. and was great… bought for my family too.. its still there cause they weren’t as interested as me. Hmm.. I was kind of celebrating my last day in college with one of the best people I met there..
Now as I think, what makes her my best?
There are lots of things between us that’s different. Mm.. she even got lots of things I hate, and probably she does too.. yet we stayed on as cool as we are el 7amdo lelah… and believe it or not :D *you gotta hate this phrase after this post I guess*… unlike normal friends.. we’ve never had a fight or a clash for a single moment… and by the word.. never.. mm… strange, isn’t it?..

Returned home and was about to have a short nap.. I promised to study chapter 1 & 2 antenna… but the nap was preceded with lovely talk.. and extended till now.. to wake up.. reading… feeling.. remembering… nostalgic.. thinking.. pondering.. wondering.. dreaming… hoping.. wishing up on a star…..
Yes.. now think I love my life.. love the every single aspect and perspective I’ve taken or thought of.. proud of my self till arrogance..
I’d never wish for a better arrangement for life than this…el 7amdo lelah..

Am I ready for the road to life?
I don’t know.. I don’t know except me wishing to end exams now fine.. have good job.. and start the challenge hand in hand with someone who’d care… won’t it be lovely?.. not walking alone any more?.. not thinking alone… I don’t know… haven’t lived it.. yet guess now it would be.. lovely… and probably then.. I wont be scared of life as I am used to…

It was brilliant experience living the past 5 years in my life…
God bless the memory..

PS: true, I'm going to start now... :)


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