Thursday, April 19, 2007

Stillness of the dark..

You know when you have a tape playing, then suddenly it goes off.. you know the 1st min of silence that precedes your discovery? .. always the 1st minute of silence different, unlike the rest.. you feel there is something.. do you feel then?.. no I don’t.. its like.. in a second everything is taken but can’t recognize anything yet.. till.. till my ears captures the moment and finds out.. the tape is off.. and silence surrounding me now..
I don’t usually fear the dark.. and I don’t fear silence neither.. in fact almost all the time I enjoy both.. tranquility that is.. calmness all around.. stillness of the dark, only me thinking.. only me hearing the spinning of that weary head…
I only fear the dark and silence if and only if, for a second I felt no feeling at all..
You know that state?
You try thinking, and you fail… I like to stop thinking for sometime… enjoy it very.. yet at night when I am there sitting all by myself and even myself is not there to share, I feel me different.. I feel me strange..
Did you ever live to feel you don’t know yourself? I mean not for long, I mean a second flashes and you feel… by God’s sake what is going on here?!.. hmm.. naa.. not that.. no.. its I don’t know..
Today I had a heavy heart for no reason.. yes.. no reason at all, though I got every possible and impossible reason to be happy. And I am happy.. I am happy true.. but like its been captivated inside a box and other stuff suddenly floated on surface.. what other stuff?.. they didn’t show me their faces yet..

Strange me tonight.. playing one and only song, over and over, and over then over…
I didn’t talk properly to Bava today. I didn’t give her a damn care.. if I was in her place, I’d get hurt…
Its like, me finding new pleasure somewhere else, so I’m forgetting the previous… used to hate that in MI.. I even told her.. and she was like wondering “did i? sorry for that.. you know I don’t mean”.. and yes she doesn’t mean, exactly like how I reacted today.. but if I was her I’d get hurt.. my friend is not here for me..
Why do I do something I know it will hurt me or others with me mints later..?

Now I don’t know anything.. I’m not sure of anything.. except one… I’m feeling nothing, yet with a heavy heart still..


Blogger Olivia said...

I am having a strange time as well, Blue.

I get let down a lot, and encouraged sometimes. I don't understand. Five years of struggle with a few rays of light to break it up...when will things return to the positive way it once was?

Is it the way the world is, or is it just us? I do still see people who succeed in everything, but I don't seem to be one of them anymore...

Sending you a hug and hoping that things begin to look brighter for you. I hope your Mom is well.

4/21/2007 07:22:00 PM  
Blogger Israeli Blogger said...


First of all, I must apologize: this is probably not a very good place to post this comment, and I will certainly understand if you delete it from here. I simply can't think of another way to reach you right now.

Tomorrow is memorial day in Israel. Every year on that day, we Israelis hold ceremonies in honor of our fallen soldiers, and visit the many berieved families in Israel.

Seeing the ceremonies this evening, I remembered that you mentioned in a comment on my blog that your uncle was killed in the 1973 war. My wife's cousin was also killed in that war. His family never fully recovered from his death. I suspect that your family did not either.

As I prepare myself for my visit tomorrow to the mother of a friend who was killed in battle several years ago, I thought it fitting to also pay tribute to your family's loss.

I wanted to let you know that what you told me has not left my memory - and I truly feel sorry for your pain.


4/22/2007 11:21:00 PM  
Blogger david santos said...

O dia 25 de Abril de 1974 foi o dia do derrube da ditadura fascista em Portugal, a chamada REVOLUÇÃO DOS CRAVOS, e a queda do (poder) dos inimigos do povo. 25 de Abril, sempre.

Day 25 of April of 1974 was the day of it knocks down of the dictatorship fascist in Portugal, the call REVOLUTION OF the flowers, and the fall of the power of the enemies of the people. 25 of April, forever!
يوم 25 نيسان 1974 كان يوم تقرع عليها من الديكتاتوريه الفاشيه في البرتغال والدعوة للثورة الزهور ، وسقوط سلطة أعداء الشعب. 25 نيسان ، الى الابد!

День 25 апреля 1974 года, в день он постучит в воздухе фашистской диктатуры в Португалии слово О РЕВОЛЮЦИИ цветы, и падение власти враги народа. 25 апреля, навсегда!
Le jour 25 d'avril de 1974 était le jour de lui frappe vers le bas du fasciste de dictature au Portugal, de la RÉVOLUTION d'appel des fleurs, et de la chute de la puissance des ennemis du peuple. 25 d'avril, pour toujours !
Tag 25 von April von 1974 war der Tag von ihm klopft unten vom Diktaturfaschisten in Portugal, von der Anruf REVOLUTION der Blumen und vom Fall der Energie der Feinde von den Leuten. 25 von April, für immer
25天41974年的一天,它拍下來的法西斯獨裁政權,葡萄牙 號召革命的鮮花,秋天的權力得到人民的敵人. 25日,永不停息

4/25/2007 09:44:00 PM  

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