I wrote 2 complete pages of blubbers, then deleted with one click. Can’t make it published, can you guess till how far I am a weak person?!
Today was ACES opening, and at least I was invited by one person (if my memory serves me well). I was wallahi determined to go the previous time, I prepared my dressing (unlike last year), the shoe, the every little thing. I wished to make me feel I am OK, I can fight my ghosts of the past, till the time was postponed. And I took it as a sign!.
How can one love someone who doesn’t really love him/herself? And how can the latter love others too?
Yesterday, I was determined not to go. I know myself. I would have never felt good at all. And most probably would leave the party and fetch the 1st bathroom to start crying (thought its not my usual attitude) However, the only 2 times I did that in my whole life were both connected to ACES.. Now, after those days and nights of trying to live normally, I don’t think I’m ready for a 3rd time. You might think of it as a stupid dream, or not stupid, a little one though.. life is full of other formats of misery. But hell no.. a person like me who doesn’t dream much.. you can guess what does that mean to her living on that for a year may be.. and if it weren’t for B advice yesterday to try changing myself, I wouldn’t have went to ask my brother to accompany me to the party. And tell you the truth, once he said “no I’m busy”, as if “etlakekt”.. or thought of it as a 2nd sign… so said “ok I did my best” and left..
Remember when I said “memories hurt always, no matter good or bad”?
Soo, instead of everything, I returned home deadly exhausted especially after the past sleepless night I had; couldn’t really sleep till 4 or 5 in the morning, something as such, for 2 reasons one of them is the previous, and the other is different a bit. Though at the end both hold the same bottom line “I can’t face my problems easily” problems that encounters passions conflict, between what I want and what I can afford to. What I wish for, and what limits bound me not to. I even discovered another important issue “a big mouth, I am”… a fact, no more.. Tell me how can you free your mind from one thought? So my sleep wasn’t just being exhausted, but an escape too. As thought, I know if I went I would have felt worst, but now the feeling of regret is no better. Especially that I wanted to share someone something.. but who knows.. one should really learn how to stop regrets and be content with the present no matter how good or bad..
As if I didn’t really notice, the same day I said “no I won’t go”.. God sent me the article published in the magazine that by no means I would have dreamt of before. I know God is much much more merciful than the dull comparison I am conducting now. But look at it this way, and let me ask.. if I had sent that more then 4 months ago..
then why now the very same timing?!
Do you believe in signs like I do?
If you don’t, I'll still do.. in addition to a total different personal thing, that again the timing is a bit of a critical issue to me…
One can never have every thing.. And God never gives more than one can’t handle.. and if feeling content with every thing means I’ll have what I have now forever, GOD so I am content to you forever… for being the person you created me.. Thank you more than my humble words can ever express…
Good night all.. and wish me peace of mind..
The everything turned out dull tonight... with a single news... The air turned heavy and suffocating enough to wish for 100 years of coma...