Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping,

Wake up today as tired as I can be to discover I didn’t bother to set the alarm clock last night. And since I was in a state between wide awake and falling sleep I opened my eyes.. it was already 6:30 AM while I should have been in the street by then!

Wearing the 1st thing my hand found then running down hypnotized or rather blinded by one thought in mind.. Stopping a taxi
-- “ where you want to go miss..?”
-- “ huh!”
If I could tell him go anywhere.. just keep going non stop… take me on a magical carpet or a roaring vehicle racing winds!

And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

As if a movie, dwelling into preserved memories in flash lights.
:: I asked “M” and she said “it is OK.. you won’t harm
Confused between yes or no; I choose it YES. Then turned 1st to be harmed was me!
Thunder stucking into shattered pieces..

Sitting in the last desk at the lecture with people’s wonders: “what’s wrong!?”
If they’d back off, or I’d vanish!

“I hate it ALLLL…… “ so I wrote my MSN nickname for today, after Closing my room’s door behind firmly.
Playing my melodies loudly, I am on my way returning to my seclusion.
Starting from today I’ll return to “on my own” where I’ve always been and always lived..

***********************************

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
’neath the halo of a street lamp,

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve ever knew so far. Wasn’t physically but rather mentally and emotionally as well. The problem wasn’t in studying, thought I didn’t; though knowing midterms are hurrying forward! More or less that is not the problem unless you meet your stumbling blocks. Puzzles, riddles and significant codes unable to figure out. You try to focus but each time you fall down!
You find yourself surprisingly surrounded with the emptiness haunted your inside and paralyzed your soul.
If I can sit and think!!

And the sign flashed out it’s warning,
In the words that it was forming.

I sat down before I slept with fighting conflicts in my head.
1:50 AM I feel I need to scream till I’d lose my breath. Scream then hide to a place no one can find! Turning on my lamplight on desk, holding my pen and started to write a flood of letters, words and numbers; sinking between them clueless..
Tell me what to do.. tell me what to say or how to act!
And why I feel so small in front of myself!
I’ve neither been in such situation nor expected the day might come. Back to my pen I started to draw aimless lines.. lines then curves.. curves then circles.. circles then tears reached the threshold and suddenly burst.

Do I pity myself
No I don’t, I hate it though,, I loath it even, if I’d admit..

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

mother would you help..”
already 3:00 am and no one around, no one to help and no one I’d think to count on..
floating between 2 extremes, floating to the wilderness as naked as I might be.. Bare footed and starving to death..
am I..?
am I not..?


Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.

and under the faint light beside me I gazed at what I saw on desk
I’ll return it back.. no I won’t.. yes I will.. no I don’t..
So horrible when you hate what you want and can’t get to what you have to..
Eternal problems crawling back.. Sneaking with evil looks.. wishing to fly with broken wings..

Message encrypted. No look backs to make it easier” was my clue..
yet I can’t stop looking back nor thinking of the future..
future?!
Had I stated a different tense?!

When you feel the ticking of the clock turning heavy and think your existence unbearable burden; you’ll know the moments passing to cross out future and eliminate the present.
Am I..?
No I am not!!

I was never weak before. My mother;s words echoed in my head: “I didn’t give birth to a withdrawer”.. Never begged a person in a life time.. not even begged myself..

4:45 AM. dawn prayers were calling when tears found its rest.
Turning off the light, pushing away the pen and papers..

So hard to be stabbed at the back but harder to be slapped at the face with… your own hands..

Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoedIn the wells of silence (#)



(#) sound of silenceSimon & Garfunkel

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