Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Today was the day, wasn’t it?!

The day we’ve been waiting for over 5 month of intense work. 5 month of sleepless nights full of brainstorming, searching and trial goes along with errors. I’ve knew real gorgeous people I can’t find a word to describe them. Feeling the warmth of a family with your colleagues is a feeling I discovered lately how I miss! Cheers and laughter all around the place filling any thoughts of alienation, seclusion or isolation.

However, above all I wasn’t feeling good. YES, I wasn’t!
I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be!

mm.. I had some nice chit chats here and there with almost all the folk I know, but still something was missing! Can’t hide that I did more than I even expected in my exam today *el7amd lelah* yet didn’t feel that well!!!! I don’t think its inner depression that beaten the warm atmosphere I had all day long. I am not sad or depressed. I was happy yesterday, happy for a reason I know. But today I wasn’t as happy as I thought I could be.
May be because I am still in the same think-less mode; or may be…
Even too afraid to think of such reason in the 1st place. Its not shameful, not embarrassing.. but I am afraid to admit in front of myself.
And afraid to admit as well, that no matter I think I’ve reached nearer to the answer I am still thinking of, I find I am miles away. I just saw 2 actions from 2 different people that made me feel puzzled even more and more, then I shut up. Or I didn’t shut up, but I returned back to how absent minded as I was. Half of my words spoken today were out of the blue without a percent of concentration. And actually it wasn’t by my hands, I couldn’t understand you yet. I couldn’t understand if the game was meant to be about me or someone else?

Stuck between words and looks or actions. Stuck between my heart and mind. I go far, and find its creeping back to me all over again.
And do you think is it easy to forget?!

Today I walked after I retuned home. And don’t I always do whenever I feel I need to clear my mind and start to think. But I was laughing all the way, then suddenly I’d feel sad. I feel deep sadness inside me, then relief, then…. A tangle of mixed feelings would be fighting within. I didn’t mind people’s looks at the weirdo walking in the street, singing sometimes.. laughing other times, frowning till crying.. then walking aimlessly like kids do.
I can’t face myself any more *and thanks to U, where ever you are*, I got tired.
Was I wrong, was I naïve, was I OK, was I stupid… tell me how to find my answers!

The way is not the same, the way is turning heavier and heavier. If I was dare enough to ask, I would do. If I was courage enough to fight for my reasons, I would go. If I was broad enough to confront you, I WILL !

Right now I wish to thank you for a feeling I finally realized,, but I want you to know the hurt and the crack inside. ….
PS: Today I wasn't there, I was with U so far away..

5 Comments:

Blogger Me said...

Lasto dear... been reading your previous posts... and I never know what to tell you... you seem so full of mixed emotions...
Glad things sort of went well today... and I pray that you find peace within yourself soon :-)

11/23/2005 02:27:00 AM  
Blogger Jia Li said...

me too...u are my sweet baby blue and I want u to be happy! so smile and sing and be merry...

11/23/2005 09:36:00 PM  
Blogger Olivia said...

Yes you are our baby blue M&M, and we want you to be happy!
You have such a poetic and sensitive soul, it deserves to stay happy rather than conflicted.

11/25/2005 01:43:00 AM  
Blogger souldry said...

Sometimes it's normal to feel these conflicting emotions,when we r looking towards something we sometimes engorge it but once we are there its becomes it's true self just another step in the road of life. z human soul will always be a big ? as u said once live life to know yourself

11/25/2005 06:06:00 PM  
Blogger Lasto-adri *Blue* said...

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ya AG.. u still remember "live life to know yourself" :)))))))

thank you , ME, Jia and Olivia... love you girlies loads

11/25/2005 07:09:00 PM  

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