Love Vs. like

I’ve just discovered something about myself. I either “love” or “hate”. I don’t like the “like” state. Sorry.. I don’t love the “like” state; as “like” to me is equivalent to “I don’t care”.

Its either positive or negative, zero or one. A digital world of mine where no gray spaces exist. You may see colors: red, yellow, blue or green; but to me, they are mere different opinions of others’ perspectives I don’t have to listen to in the first place.

Today’s Graduation..

I used to listen to this phrase “what lasts in one’s mind, only the tiny fragile moments. Only the faint perfume of unreality, remains.”.. and believe in it.
Now, I wonder if I do.

Memories have to have something concrete to make me happy. Something I can hold in hands life long and remember. I’m not good in recalling the past. I forget. And there… I always wish to have a box, and pick parts of time. Think of it as a flower you’d pick and put in a book. Then put it back in the box and close safe..
Not a video.. not a photo.. nothing.. only part of time.. you get it out and you live the feeling all over again.

It’s hard. It might be impossible.. but that’s my wish for tonight.. not because I wish to live all over again the day today.. no.. today was like doing a ritual that lost its meaning way long when you forgot when the time to do it right. So I didn’t deeply feel it..
But I wish to live it all over again.. and do what I wished to do, yet wasn’t done..

I feel provoked for the camera that didn’t take a single shot. And I feel provoked for the moments I wish to have.. and alas.

I returned back home with my graduation certificate in my hands, and jingles in my hind of a graduation ceremony I’ve just lived.. but yet.. I don’t feel anything.. may be the severe killing headache I’m having right at the moment. Or may be for postponing the day that long.. or may be.. just a may be.. it didn’t go the way I wished for yesterday… and few days back..

Dear colleagues, you will be all missed.. college life itself will be missed.. memories will be forgotten.. pictures torn.. but one thing is certain.. and I’m sure of.. one thing will always stay with me.. life long.. and thats my special secret of tonight.

Hela hop, hop, hop..

After 13 years of escaping P.E. classes in school, and feeling relieve for no P.E. sessions in college.. I went to the gym on my own will.
Blue went today to the gym on her own will.. Can you believe it?!
It was hard, and I couldn’t complete it.. but after all I feel proud of myself.. because ok.. I did something I have to do, but I don’t want to.
I’m lazy by nature, and here I am fighting that :D..

Alright… today I’d go to the library alone.. and would be my 2nd challenge. Talking all the way, knowing before hand I’ll be alone, and I will enjoy myself kaman.. isA ;)

See ya after the break..

Just a night..

Its 5:30 in the morning.
You know, its pretty much fun to work at night than in the morning. Everything around you should make you feel sleeping, even if they should not be. Everything appears to be much prettier, quitter, nicer and better. I love how the night always plays his magical touch on everybody. And how the dawn wakes everyone again up.
Up and down and down and up. That’s how life goes on. That’s how we live. Sunset, sun rise. Life, then death. And death then again life.
Eternity? Immortality? Infinity? Or what?!

Imagine now, the put nearly half the lights off, and me playing Om Kalthoum.
Where on earth you can have better moment than this?

Its 5:35 in the morning.
Will go make a cup of tea. Wait for me..

Its 5:45 in the morning.
Drinking tea with the Brownies I’ve bought today. You know what? I’ve just discovered why do I love brownies above all other cakes. Because of the walnuts inside. I just love walnuts. And for no particular reason. May be because its crispy and light while chewing. It feels great, and tastes ever greater. And I do really adore it..
Om kalthoum just finished. And I got to fetch a new something to listen to. Yah, got “Thawrat el shak”. Something in that song can add to any night magic over the magic already existing. How can a person be that kind when dealing with a person asking… “Please tell me.. I might be doubting myself, because I might be doubting you and you are myself. People talk, and I want you to tell me. Did you deceive me?”.
Of course, never count to my rough translation, it’s the ugliest of all. (You can read the complete lyrics here, and listen to the song from here.)

Its 6:05 in the morning.
My mother just ringed me. And me trying to get the lyrics of the song to add to the blog. Mm.. I feel tired and wish to sleep or read, but the rights are dim.
I’ll just go, I forgot what I wanted to say .. And now I don’t have anything to talk about, and in no urge for anything..
I'll just go .. and catch you later..


----
PS: it's VERY hot in here, though I've heard it COLD outside.. wish me luck not to catch cold..

Choices,

Sometimes choices are the hardest of all. And what might seem even harder is not the choice itself but making it, especially if you’ve convinced yourself with something and believed it as if its life’s ultimate truth.

Like look, if you are like me and you’ve convinced yourself that Blue is the best color of all. It’s yes, blue is elegant, tranquil and unique, however, sometimes some stuff are better in pink.. or 7ata in black. It makes no difference except that, your belief in that particular case is no longer valid. So you keep pushing yourself and try to convince yourself that “Black” might be fine.. and something hidden deep inside of you can’t believe.. can’t tell you to make the choice this or that..

But sometimes its most horrible when it affects life issues. Not a T-Shirt or a bag. Not a pen or a book. Not even a car. Its life time decisions you feel you have to do.. and you have to choose..

Semi annual report -- Part 1

So I try hard not to forget, and I usually do. It’s a pity to have such a short memory regarding the daily stuff.
My ToDo list for the nest 6 months isA, and you can as well call it, my coming semi annual resolutions. Call it whatever you wish to (in no specific order)…

1. Learn driving.
2. Continue the French audio lessons, then going to 1st level French exam.
3. Delving into CCSP.
4. Learn sewing.
5. Continuing my Canvas picture.
6. Returning back to a constant habit of finishing at least 2 books / month (may be joining Alef would be nice :P ).
7. Reading more religious books, and Quran.
8. Go to gym sessions.

Mmm.. right now at least, I’ve started “6”.. and lets see where the tide should take me after eed.
Happy Feast to all :)


----------------------
Today's quote:
" Never hit a man when he's down. You may find he's bigger than you when he gets up."

Being a devil.. is not easy to do..

Ever since the start of creation, the devil used to play the same old story. He keeps nagging you to do something, and once you do it, he says “I didn’t tell you to do it”.
That’s why, I hate to advice anybody anything.. I end up my talk saying “I don’t know, you are free to choose”.
But once my tongue doesn’t know how to stop… and I start blubbering. It gives me a conquering damn feeling of being a devil defending herself saying “I didn’t tell you to do it”.

And alas, it's already said and done..

So what you think?!

Today in iThink on FaceBook I wrote these..


In Relationships:
Any story that starts with "2 friends", ends with a choice and a tragedy.

In Religion & Spirituality:
It's not pronounced as izlam... its islam...

In Music:
Some songs hurt, not because they happened, but because they did not.

I Am A Muslim..

B offered me this video which I simply loved, and wished to share with everybody.
Its done for the "Muslim American Society".. watch and enjoy :)

Morning questions..

As usual, got nothing to do at work, so thought of writing something. Am i going to turn into a boring person who never talks unless feeling sever boredom?

Tell me.. How far do we change?
And who’d really responsible for us changing?
Is it the experiences we pass by daily.. or is it simply life’s way of ruling our lives?!

So long I keep on crying over spilt milk and how beautiful the past was.. is it that beautiful? or my mind colors the past compared to the present.. as a way of tense denial?

Many things I can’t even believe they’re already gone...
And other many many things I can’t believe they’re my present and future for a looong time..

Am I feeling naturally like others? or living in a dreamy world till now?
would I ever wake up to get it.. I’m no longer the little girl playing with the little boys?..

life is not easy.. and looks will never be..
life is struggle.. and a continuous fight.. am I ready? am I really up to?

mm.. I don’t know..

Bursting into life

We'll do it all.. Everything.. On our own
We don't need.. Anything.. Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

"I have hope for a future"..
And probably yes.. if you passed by me now you'd simply think I'm going insane.. but that's it.. I feel hope..

I don't quite know.. How to say.. How I feel
Those three words.. Are said too much.. They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Sitting on a desk in my department's area. Knowing no body except only one whom I loath. Got exactly nothing to do, not even access to the internet.. so trying to search for something to fill in my next 7 hrs or so.

If you just came in you'll see me pretending studying something related to work.. other times listening to dump Spanish audio lessons.. and now fetched a piece of paper and started blogging.
I wish to go walking.. but lazy to.. or in fact.. afraid to walk there all on my own.
Despite all the above.. I feel I want to cry happy tears..

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Today and yesterday I've helped 2 people. its magnificent connecting to people on the human level with nothing in between building up distances. And each time to do something as such, as if I re-discover how beautiful and unique our souls is. The humane magical touch that's understood far beyond spoken words.

Let's waste time.. Chasing cars.. Around our heads
I need your grace.. To remind me.. To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Yesterday I went out!
as simple as that.. thought the meanings hold.. a lot.
A friend of ours broke up with her fiancée.. and so we had to help. Sever changes in our plans.. I even had not to see my Friend Mi.. and instead met few of my college folk..
I only felt... How much I miss college days right now.. How much I miss those souls..
and for no reason I felt lucky.. and felt hope.
After lunch, it was bowling time. Bowling for the first time.. then left.

Today I ran into "Chasing cars" while listening to the radio.. do you think its a coincidence?
searched a while, and luckily enough I found it on my mp3.. and apparently this is the Nth round I'd listen to it over again to the loudest volume I've ever experienced.

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

I sit here now and remember few of the best days in my life.. looking onto a computer screen every once in a while, wishing the clock to move on forward.. end those boring uncounted days...
return home.. meet family and friends.. share a good laugh.. help a one.. smell the early baked bread..
live it to the full.. live what makes a life really be called a life.. Bursting into it.. Filled with a hope for a future :)

All that I am.. All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where.. Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

That's all..

I am defiantly gaining extra weight!.. it’s a fact.
Ever since I finished college and I actually didn’t try to stop myself from eating and lousy sleeping.. everything is opened to compensate my lost years..
Even now at work, day long sitting in front of a computer.. sooo… you can imagine my future this way if I didn’t try to help myself starting from now
I should start exercising soon.

mm.. the last days went may be fine.. sometimes I feel lonely like crazy. I had to eat twice alone in a restaurant. For me may be that’s the worst that can happen. Mm.. I miss my friends badly especially Mi.
well. I don’t wish to talk.. I will go and that’s all.

True..

Dream a little dream of me :)

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining up above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Yes, dream a little dream of me

Michael Bubble -- Dream a little dream of me
Originally by Louis Armstrong.

Quick note..

Where had I been that long?... I’ve been everywhere… and so you have to believe..

Finaly, I’d like to announce.. I am accepted in one job, and today would end my 2nd week!.. would you believe that? And today did my 1st two calls?
Would you even believe that I’ve already finished studying CCNA.. got the exam and even passed 987/1000.. ie. I’m CISCO certified.
And guess what! I’ve finished my 1st RAC project… and even got a bonus with invitation for another project :)
And Now I'm back to my french lessons, readings and LIFE ;)

God.. I can’t really describe how proud I am of myself..

Hundreds and hundreds of people work everyday.. and other hundreds and hundreds of them pass the CCNA exam, it isn’t a big deal at all..
but despite all the above, I look at myself in the mirror and smile.. a satisfied smile..


PS: that’s not all… I’ll return again tomorrow isA for details ;)

Nice quote

Untitled

My O My! Congratulate me right now on the spot. I just made a perfect home-made-pizza.. except for missing some pickles :$ .
mm.. what else.. I had a strange dream last night.. that I travelled china due some work keda.. when I woke up amazingly I remembered the whole dream .. that’s strange because I usually don’t dream and even when I do, I don’t remember anything..

I’m not feeling good.. I feel sad for a reason or not.. I just feel bad keda …
I want to make something new.. meet knew people and go out.. mm… God….
Well I’ll just go now..
bye

I got it, I got it..

So YES! I bought a canvas picture at last.. and even though it cost me a fortune –especially being as broke as I am now- I didn’t really care.. Just went and bought it..
It was a matter of sever hesitation to choose a proper picture.. all of them seemed like the impossible itself to me.. in addition to, mm,, well.. I’m not fascinated with people’s portraits for example, or 1 one color kind of drawings.. etc..
Yet at last I picked my pick and working on that …

Isn't it just great? ;)

Can that be true?

I got that via an email, and I think it got to say something..
Few I totally believe in, and few I know nothing about.. soo.. its your say after all.. do you think "Can that be true?"


1. Guys hate s***s even though they have sex with them!

2. "Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.

3... Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

4. Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.

5. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile when there attracted to them

6. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

7. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're going for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonder ful-and-nice-you-are method.

8. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

9. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

10. Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

11. Guys get jealous easily.

12. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

13. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

14. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

15. Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.

16. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

17. Guys are very open about themselves.

18. It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.

19. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.

20. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

21. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

22. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

23. Guys will brag about anything.

24. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.

25. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

26. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

27. Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.

28. Try to be as straightforward as possible.

29. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's
too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up.

30. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

31. No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

32. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

33. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

34. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

35. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

36. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

37. Guys don't really have final decisions.

38. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

39. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.

40. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

41. Guys like femininity not feebleness.

42. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

43. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

44. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

45. Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.

46. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

47. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.

48. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

49. A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

50. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

51. Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesn't mean he represents ALL of us.

52. We don't like girls who are too skinny.

53. We love it when girls talk about there ass.

54. Always make sure you know what kind of stuff your getting into before making out with a guy ...like whither it's a one time deal or not ....

55. Believe it or not shy guys are the most easiest to talk to..it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and un-noticeable tell them about yours...

56. When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually.

57. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs..

58. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts...

59. Guys will test the waters to see how far they can get with you. Even if he doesn't intend to it will happen. Know how far it is you want to let him go and he will respect that...after you let him know a couple times.

60. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

Don't you think so too?

Interviewing: is the art of provoking and lying with style!

Thus I say...

On the run... :)

Well, that job I’ve mentioned before.. finito.. well, I thought I’d be much more affected and most probably in the negative sense.. however, that didn’t happen.. in fact the rejection reply was one hell of an excellent reply that made me feel “proud” of myself! Hell yes! Though it was a rejection reply no more, no less… yet so elegant keda and ego boosting as well..

So no.. I’m not sad el 7amdo lelah, may be even satisfied to a certain extend and I don’t know exactly why..
I returned back to learning “French”.. now I can have a little conversation.. which is a great step…
You know, I might not need French in my future life isA.. bas something inside me is pushing to continue and in a way I don’t want to ever stop.. being a better me..

I’m have kind of a difficult time pursuing CCNA.. its not hard.. but needs a strong memory, which I lack..

Ah, by the way, yesterday I had a dish party with few friends at the club… was one real nice day..
Cheers, bye

WOW!

The Best Advertisement I've ever seen, in Arabic or English :)

There is no Spoon..

Morpheus:
You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth.
Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo:
No.

Morpheus:
Why not?

Neo:
Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus:
I know exactly what you mean.
Let me tell you why you're here.
You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain, but you feel it; you've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....like a splinter in your mind...driving you mad.
It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?

Neo:
The Matrix?

Morpheus:
Do you want to know what...it...is?
The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now...in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes.
It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes....to blind you from the truth.

Neo:
What truth?

Morpheus:
That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage.
Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison....for your mind.


From: "The Matrix" part 1

1.. 2.. 3 ??

I hold the pen so eager to write, yet as soon as I start writing, everything fades away. The state of mental block has extended so long so far. As if a dark coma. Can’t comprehend letters as before, neither Arabic nor English. Wasting my time more or less in trivialities. Always thinking about somewhere but here.

Tomorrow would be the 1st day at new school year with me sitting at home! It feels extra awkward. Every year I used to enjoy buying new notebooks, pens and pencils the most. Used to go shopping for new cloths, new shoes.. I even miss the feeling of obligation to sleep tonight because tomorrow is a new day, where I’d meet familiar faces; some of them are current friends and others future ones. Now.. I don’t think I’d have the chance to meet new people for so long.

I sound desperate most of the time. Today my cousin kept insisting that something is wrong with me, and when I insisted back that I’m ok.. he hinted about something else.. and if what I got is true then he must be kidding :S … mm.. I don’t know … the whole day was weird.
Starting by the 1st eftar we’d have in my uncle’s house without his wife (God rest her soul in peace).. my 2 cousines got engaged with kids now… and my other cousine is about to get married.. and my cousin himself who was talking earlier got engaged 2 weeks ago…
As if time passed so quickly all of a sudden..

I hate such days when you feel you are living as a call for duty no more. You go visit people because u have to not that you want to. I don’t want to talk to anyone these days..
More than twice I’ve yelled at my mother’s face today.. mm .. I can’t handle her jokes about me anymore, as if I need a slight push to fire.. that my uncle tried to calm me down, but of no use. I left the crowd and went to my cousine’s room.

Tomorrow is a new day, though I won’t be going to college no more 5alas.. bas yalla.. its matter of days always no matter how long.. and who knows.. I might have a job offer phone call tomorrow or something else..

And ah by the way.. I’ll wait another week before I’d call that person in charge for the dream job I talked about earlier. I’ll force myself to have a little bit more patience… for who really knows :)
Good night.. or morning.. you pick your pick and have fun..

Random thoughts..

Ramadan is here, you probably know that by now; and it would be the 1st Ramadan I’d spend as free as a bird, you probably can guess that too. Around 3 months since I graduated with no sign of a job so far, and not the slightest intention to apply for masters as well.
I think I feel more relaxed, though I wish to get a job right now more than ever. Few of my friends got either engaged or started a career, so it makes one feel kind of bored sometimes. I hate waiting, it’s not a new info. I really really hate waiting like no other.

The past days I went thru different interviews, one of these was for my dream job, I asked the interviewer when would the result appear and he gave himself a due date like a week and a half ago, however, until this moment not a missed call 7ata. And it makes me feel a bit down almost all the time. In addition to, yesterday I discovered a friend took the very 1st position I applied for. Mm.. wasn’t a famous one aslan, I mean there wasn’t an advertisement for it or anything, I knew it through the very person who interviewed me in that dream job by the way, and so I thought like ok.. I’m going to hit the skies.. but nothing happened.. I was rejected..
Now it makes me feel awkward.. God.. I know I’d really like there and do my best…
But I keep wishing upon the stars.. I don’t know wither to call that person again, or keep waiting a little bit more till ALLAH only knows when..
I don’t know..

Ramadan is here, and nothing changed more or less. Except for one thing, I lost interest in watching TV or sitting on my computer. I feel everything a bit useless keda.. so I thought of buying a big Canava portrait.. I’d start doing it then hang it on my walls sometime.. why not.. I love canava and should never give in to that feeling.. ever..
I wish to go to the mosque a little bit more often.. and organize my time more..
Have lots to do within a very short time.. should finish the CCNA course, should strengthen my French better.. should finish reading Quran and the books I added to my list by El Ghazali.

How do u translate “canava” into English by the way.. I don’t know… bas so far I am pretty much excited about that very very.. it used to be one of my hobbies long time ago..
So probably waiting isn’t as bad.. I’d reconnect with myself again.. bas God.. let me know wither it’s a yes or no quick… I can’t think any further in any other thing as long as I don’t know my status regarding my dream job :(

Blue feels sad, yet wishing you all a happy Ramadan..
Takabal ALLAH


PS: I borrowed the above photo from "The holy month of Ramadan" Blog..
PS2: Do you think I should call or email or wait?

To all women: Raise your heads, you are free..

This week may be one of the strangest for me. I don’t know.. I feel my heart is very heavy. I don’t really know what I really want. So I keep on trying being the me I used to be and read.

I read books like I haven’t in months, especially religious ones..
1. “Screw it, Let’s do it”: By Richard Branson, an excellent inspirational book that I’ve already extracted few quotes from it.
2. “El motahadoon”: by MECA, for reviewing the Coptic situation in Egypt.
3. “El mar2a fl islam”: by El Sheikh el GHazali, Dr. Tantawy and Dr. Ahmad Omar Hashim, an average one.
4. “El tadayun el mankoos”: By Fahmy Huwady, and already discussed in my Arabic blog, pretty thoughts.
5. “Kdaya el mar2a”: By El Sheikh El Ghazali, and this one even better.
6. “Gaded 7ayatak”: By El Sheikh el Ghazali, just started, and seems interesting to me.
7. “Say7et ta7zeer mn do3at el tanseer”: by el Sheikh el Ghazali, mm.. didn’t like it that much.
In addition to few books about Human Resources and other management issues.

Reading makes me feel peaceful. With every new info I gain, I feel me a better person, relaxed and satisfied. Especially when its connected to religion. Except for 1 fact that irritates me like hell, the gap between Muslims and Islam. Why is that so? Why Muslims let other cultures to interfere and impose such ridiculous ideas on the beautiful religion?
Islam didn’t order women not to work.. so why they call women to stay at home?
Islam didn’t call for illiterate women.. so why did they deprived women from their educational rights?
Islam didn’t call for women working as servants in their houses.. so why did they humiliate women all through her life?
Islam called for respecting and honoring women.. so why do women themselves accept being used as a sex toy?

God.. its ridiculous… that very same lame look women receive everywhere…
Now I wish to say it loudly..
I’m proud to be a Muslim woman.. and even proud to have a mind to think, comprehend and criticize..

Let's do it (2)

One of the very best books I've ever enjoyed reading, life long.. that defiantly will have an impact on my way of seeing life starting from now...


"Always living in the future can show us down as much as always looking behind. Many people are always looking ahead and they never seem content. They look for quick fixes, like winning the lottery. I know that goals are important. Money is important. But the bottom line is money is just a means to an end, not an end in itself. And what is going on now is just as important as what you're planning for the future. So, even though my diary is full for months ahead, I have learned to live for the moment."

"It was the first fight I had ever had with anyone. I was very upset that the fight was with my best friend. But by facing it head on, I stopped it from getting worse. The lesson I learned was that it's best to bring things out into the open. A dispute with a friend or a colleague can be sorted in a friendly way."

"If anyone asks me what I believe in above all else, I would say my family. I firmly believe in the family. I know that sometimes they split up, and I have been through some of that myself. And I know that some people don't have anyone. But close friends can be like a family. We all need a strong support network. Even though I was taught to stand on my own feet, without my loyal family and friends I would be lost."

"If you're starting in business and ask me if I have a lesson for you, I'd say "Be fair in all your dealings. Don't cheat - but aim to win." This rule should extend to your private life.
My motto is, "Never do anything if it means you can't sleep at night." It's good rule to follow."

"It's said that money is root of all evil. It doesn't have to be. Money can be used for good. The biggest charities in the world were started by rich men and women, but some were begun with next to nothing.
[...]
But you don't need to be rich to do good. Children used to collect silver paper and empty cola tins to raise money for good causes. Today, they go on charity runs or donate to Live Aid. There are many ways of helping others. One very simple way is to do no harm and that costs nothing at all."

"I believe we should assess our lives from time to time. Have we reached our goals? Are there things we can weed out that we don't need? I'm not talking about throwing away old shoes or broken chairs. I mean we need to lose our bad habits or lazy ways that hold us back and clutter our minds."

"All the things in this book are my lessons and my goals in life, the things I believe in. But they are not unique to me. Everyone needs to keep learning. Everyone needs goals. Each and everyone of my lessons can be applied to all of us. Whatever we want to be, whatever we want to do, we can do it. Go ahead, take the first step - just do it."

by Richard Branson
from his book "Screw it, Let's do it".

Just remembered a hit..

I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night
And still have danced some more
I could have spread my wings, and done a thousand things
Ive never done before

Ill never know what made it so exciting
But all at once my heart took flight
I only know when he, began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced, all night

From "My fair lady"
Sung by "Marni Nixon"

Let's do it

"Not all of us have the money to start up a business, or the luck or the chances aren't there. Sometimes, you are just glad to have a job - any job. So you grab the job in the factory or the store or the call center. You might have it, but you try to make the best of things. But it that fun? I would say do you really have to stay stuck in a rut? Is that job you hate really your own option? Whoever you are, you have other choices. Look around. See what else you can do."

"Some you win and some you lose. Be glad when you win. Don't have regrets when you lose. Never look back. You can't change the past. I try to learn from it. We can't all run big airlines or trains. Many people have more modest goals. But whatever your dream is, go for it. Always beware if the risks are too random or too hard to predict, but remember, if you opt for a safe life, you will never know what it's like to win."

by Richard Branson
from his book "Screw it, Let's do it".

PS: Personal advise, go for it and read that book!
Thanks JP for the recommendation ;)

Back from there..

So I returned back from Matroh. Was a nice summer vacation, thought not my best. Mm.. few conflicts with my father as usual. As if he can’t enjoy a week without a fight. 3adi.. isn’t it?
Yes, turned dark 5ales ..
Met few nice people. There is a gathering next Thursday, and probably I wont attend. This stupid Vodafone training I’m having at the moment is consuming all my afternoons.
My ears hurt awi.. and officially I’m turning deaf. F3lan, I can’t hear anything. And people got to raise their voices a lot so I can figure out the words spoken. Even today I was acting stupid searching where is the phone ringing while it was just beside me! Duh!
Tomorrow most probably I’ll go to a dr. isA.

I want to work ba2a!
I know that still I’m encountered as a fresh graduate, a very recent one who got not to worry about work. But look at me. I’m an average person, with very little skills concerning technical life. Low cumulative grade. I don’t know!
I was fresh yesterday as I returned home wallahi! I was joking and having fun.. I’ve met very nice guys and gals and had a lot of good times together all the week long. But something was pushing on hard on me. Even my mother asked me what was wrong with me. Frankly I had no clear another. I didn’t really know whats wrong. Something was just nagging me, forcing me not to fully enjoy my time, even to dislike keda gatherings no matter how much I enjoy it.

Was trying to learn CCNA there by the way. And tell you I hate it. That’s all what I’ve learnt through out the vacation, I hate networks, communications and electronics .. LOL! Would never make a good engineer, that’s how I think.
GRRR! I wish to stop thinking in this working thingie y3ni.. tab what about those who got army lessa in January or so. Ain’t I better?
And I can’t empty this tiny mind ever.

Lost interest in reading and writing f3lan. Unless its something I need now, I wont risk sitting in front of a book reading.. its getting on my nerve recently.
Not in my good shape.. though I was so yesterday… could be the hot atmosphere that sucks f3lan. Could be humidity.. could be the shocking fact that I’m stuck again in Cairo for at least a year and may be longer..
Who knows..

Wish to blog in here more often…
Will try..

Not in the mood for love..

“what? You love me?” she asked, “no I don’t” so I replied, then we continued walking..

I was amazed at the sudden question my mother asked me after asking her to take care of a hidden hole in the street she might stumble while walking. I was amazed because after 22 years of my life, living between my family members, my mother is doubting that I love her, while the fact I always repeat that she’s my best friend blalala… now, I am, myself, not sure of anything..
mm.. how to say what I feel exactly you think?
I don’t love to love in fact. Hmm.. no, not exactly.. do not love to love in the ordinary way.. I hate such expressions as “I love you”. I hate red hearts, and Romeo kneeling under the balcony singing. I hate buying flowers as a “love” sign. I hate to kiss people on checks and hug too. I rarely do it passionately and true. I hate acting as a teddy bear or “dalo3a”. Gosh!. You can list all the “traditional” forms of “Loving” or “being in love” or “living in a loving atmosphere”, then add “I hate” in front.. and tada.. you’ve got my list complete..

For most of you I’m sure it would sound strange. I’m a romantic person. That’s very true wallahi. A dreamy one too. But I don’t know how to live that for real. How to love aslant.. or no.. how to show love without feeling I’m acting or I’m weak.. I REALLY REALLY hate being weak in love.. being committed too. Being responsible for a certain person.. being a partner…. Yes.. partnership is not my last preference 7ata.. and yes I am a weirdo..

I don’t know if I love me too or not. I don’t know. Just like anybody else. I really love my mother ya3ni.. no question about that.. but I don’t know how to show it. I thought she should understand that by her own. Though to tell you the truth.. sometimes I don’t know 7ata if I love her that much or not… begad.. I feel confused about the term itself.. and I don’t know what do I want aslan.. and I feel afraid...

Just talking.. not wishing for a conclusion or a cure… just talking.. so I need..

Priorities, priorities..

Now that I’ve finished college and just graduated, WOW, I think I’m in bad need for a change. Change as in everything. Surroundings, people, habits even knowledge and education. I’ve applied for many jobs and just did 2 interviews, tell you.. both sucks! Simply because till now I haven’t clearly thought about my wishes and priorities.
You know lately, I’ve discovered that my English is horrible. It’s a matter of little vocabulary I play with and that’s all. Even the simplest of the simple phrases are messed up in my head. Measure on that my academic education, and my general knowledge. Mm.. let me say it loud.. I lost faith in me.

Yesterday at the interview the guy asked me what do I wish to work? And so I thought for a min.. “human to human relationships is the best”.. so I suddenly said “HR”.. tell me now.. what do I know about HR to believe it’s the best place for me?.. add to that, my bad need to learn how to deal with people in the 1st place..
And what If I can’t decide wither I like electronics or communications as working fields?!.. Don’t you think that I live a haphazard life??.
No, might not be that.. but a mis-used life thought, I guess..

I’m an average 22 years old girl who believes sometimes she’s going to be the center of the universe, yet nothing is shown yet. Was average in college, may be just below that according to my friend’s results. Not a brilliant somebody, don’t have “wasta” or special talents. So….

Today I’ve started remembering my French.. yaah! It’s been a while since I’ve lastly practiced that. “oui monsieur, comment ca va?”.. and as soon as I’d finish the current download, I’ll study CCNA as well in addition to reading “Al tadayun Al mankoos” by Fahmy Huawdy, as recommended by my friend Mokhtar El Azizi..
I’m planning to buy an mp3 player to listen to audio books and learn right pronunciation for different languages. Well I have little Spanish.. why not try to develop myself there too.. may be ask my brother and a relative of ours in German courses as well..
You know, I wish I can be that highly cultured girl I usually dream of.

BTW: for Al Sharif and JJ.. you made my day seeing you still around.. :) I always enjoy reading your comments with a wide smile upon my face… keep it up and shine on my virtual friends ;)

Blue is going somewhere instead…

Secrets of Love

The First Secret - The Power Of Thought
Love begins with our thoughts. We become what we think about. Loving thoughts create loving experiences and loving relationships. Affirmations can change our beliefs and thoughts about others and ourselves. If we want to love someone, we need to consider their needs and desires. Thinking about your ideal partner will help you recognize her when you meet her.

The Second Secret - The Power Of Respect
You cannot love anyone or anything unless you first respect them. The first person you need to respect is yourself. To begin to gain self-respect asks yourself, “What do I respect about myself?” To gain respect for others, even those you may dislike, ask yourself “What do I respect about them?”

The Third Secret - The Power Of Giving
If you want to receive love, all you have to do is give it! The more love you give, the more you will receive. To love is to give of yourself freely and unconditionally. Practice random acts of kindness. Before committing to a relationship ask not what the other person will be able to give to you, but rather what will you be able to give them. The secret formula of a happy, lifelong, loving relationship is to always focus on what you can give instead of what you can take.

The Fourth Secret - The Power Of Friendship
To find a true love, you must first find a true friend. Love does not consist of gazing into each other’s eyes, but rather looking outward together in the same direction. To love someone completely you must love them for who they are, not what they look like. Friendship is the soil through which love’s seeds grow. If you want to bring love into a relationship, you must first bring friendship.

The Fifth Secret - The Power Of Touch
Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding relationships. Touch changes our physical and emotional states and makes us more receptive to love.

The Sixth Secret - The Power Of Letting Go
If you love something, let it free. If it comes back to you it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was. Even in a loving relationship, people need their own space. If we want to learn to love, we must first learn to forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances. Love means letting go of our fears, prejudices, egos and conditions. “Today I let go of all my fears, the past
has no power over me - today is the beginning of a new life.”

The Seventh Secret - The Power Of Communication
When we learn to communicate openly and honestly, life changes. To love someone is to communicate with them. Let the people you love know that you love them and appreciate them. Never be afraid to say those three magic words: “I Love you.” Never let an opportunity pass to praise someone. Always leave someone you love with a loving word - it could be the last time you see them. If you were about to die but could make telephone calls to the people you loved, who would you call, what would you say and..why are you waiting?

The Eighth Secret - The Power Of Commitment
If you want to have love in abundance, you must be committed to it, and that commitment will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one.

The Ninth Secret - The Power Of Passion
Passion ignites love and keeps it alive. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone; it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest and excitement. Passion can be recreated by recreating past experiences when you felt passionate. Spontaneity and surprises produce passion. The essence of love and happiness are the same; all we need to do is to live each day with passion.

The Tenth Secret - The Power Of Trust
Trust is essential in all loving relationships. Without it one person becomes suspicious, anxious and fearful and the other person feels wrapped and emotionally suffocated. You cannot love someone completely unless you trust them completely. Act as if your relationship with the person you love will never end. One of the ways you can tell whether a person is right for you is to ask yourself, “Do I trust them completely and unreservedly?” If the answer is “no”, think carefully before making a commitment.

Extracted from: http://pravstalk.com/2007/07/17/text-mail-secrets-of-love/

UpDates

Ole! So today was my 1st driving lessons with my father and brother. I would have never believed that I’d learn driving at this age and with my father! You know the old story between me and him, yet it just happened. It’s freaking to tell you the truth. Not easy at all and needs a pinch of guts, patience and concentration as well.
Just wish me luck to continue.

My camera is dead for good now, and I’m heart broken begad for it. I used to love it. I used to find myself through photography.. now its lost and for long I think… I don’t think there would be any chance for my parents to buy a new digital camera for us in less than a year, unless the new wicked play I am doing along with my brother would actually work, and in stead of spending money on fixing the old one –which will cost a lot- so we buy a new china made so-so camera.

mm… its hot in here. Its Very Hot!.. and I don’t know if there is a chance to go to the beach this year or not. God I pray so hard to go. Its like the only time of the year I dream of all year long..

I’m into Mohamed Fawzi’s music lately. That guy used to be a blasting hit. A pity that not a lot used to like him though…
Yalla I’ll go now and catch you later..

What a melody..

IT MUST BE HIM
Vikki Carr

I tell myself what's done is done
I tell myself don't be a fool
Play the field have a lot of fun
It's easy when you play it cool

I tell myself don't be a chump
Who cares, let him stay away
That's when the phone rings and I jump
And as I grab the phone I pray

Let it please be him, oh dear God
It must be him or I shall die
Or I shall die
Oh hello, hello my dear God
It must be him but it's not him
And then I die
That's when I die

After a while, I'm myself again
I take the pieces off the floor
Put my heart on the shelf again
You'll never hurt me anymore

I'm not a puppet on a string
I'll find somebody else someday
That's when the phone rings, and once again
I start to pray

Let it please be him, oh dear God
It must be him , it must be him
or I shall die, Or I shall die
Oh hello, hello my dear God
It must be him but it's not him
And then I die
That's when I die

Finally, Back..

WOW! That must be a record. I haven’t blogged for that long, neither here or my Arabic one or the musical.. its like my mind has gone “blank” for no clear reason. Well at first I thought this confusing matter was the reason, and so I respected my mind and kept silent. But things changed and nearly everything is settled down. I knew exactly what I want. Yea true. Even these couple of days, I think I was never sure as much as I am now. I thought about every detail nearly, and there was 1 answer that I believe I might be ready to sacrifies for. Yet that all not what I need to talk about.

Its been long since I’ve been that lazy, ruling that empty life of mine now. There was always something to do. College, blogs, friends.. reading writing.. whatever.. then all of a sudden, finals are out there.. studying studying studying.. then graduation project, working day and night with those wonderful punch of people +1.. final presentation that surprisingly I did glamorous :D yea let me brag a little here…
God when ever I remember that day, shiver fills the back of my neck and the only thing I remember the support I had that day.. You know what seriously.. I think I won’t have made it if I didn’t have +1 in my life with that faith that I’m up to it. Support really changes a lot. Knowing that someone believes in you even more than you can really do for yourself. Who is willing to stand beside you wither or not you made it.. is something out of this world, believe me!
I never thanked enough.. and probably I don’t know how.. yet one thing I came up with..
All of the previous confusion has been washed away.. not all of it all of it ya3ni.. but actually most of it are gone.. yes.. I really appreciate being there for me when I needed that the most.. promising right here that, as much as I can.. I’ll try to be up to that faith :)

Our project was a blast by the way… our Doctors were pretty much happy with our work, that made me feel more proud of being myself.. for a second wallahi I couldn’t feel anything around me.. not the people in the room, not me giving a public speech.. not.. you know.. that thing scars me.. even in the rehearsal when I did it in front of our Dr. .. I was standing in front of him and suddenly remembered that 1 and only presentation I did in the pre-mod session. That thing kind of freaks me out. I wished to continue in that so badly to the extend that I’ve already saw myself there.. filling this little space of lack of confidence inside of me.. yet all the glamour, the wishes, the high hopes.. everything was tadapum.. all gone..

My project mates were awesome. I loved them all, and one by one.. except for that one whom I used to hate.. grr… I can never get over hating someone pretty easily. It takes a lot of time.. and she is like my nightmare.. not a basic nightmare.. but someone hateful in my life.. or may be I am owning the hateful life myself.. I don’t care as long as she’s not around anymore.. and thank God for that!..
The EED is left.. I want to invite a lot of people to it.. may be later on.. starting at 25th or something I’ll do.. I’ve been waiting for that for like what, 2 or 3 years now!.. wanted to participate and feel that I am a grad. Now with a project.. haha

You know I’ve been watching Felicity like crazy ever since I started those boring days?! Its fun, itsn’t it…
Next talk will be about her… now.. I need to put my potatoes..

Amazingly, I keep on remembering that phrase from that other night.. “you lose people because you are afraid to lose them” and I smile…

Traps of mind

A musical CD. Just a normal musical CD I have. If you looked close, you might ask yourself million times, what makes her treasure it this way?.. and I certainly do.
I keep playing that one, that specific one over and over again, non stop. I totally love how I adore it.. The passion shivers me with every time I pass by piece number 16 is indescribable. Starts with thunder, piano then violins.. and tickles of falling rain drops.. all sort of gloominess in the universe.. then a sudden up rise in melody.. slows down.. slows down more… piano interferes… scratched by the virginity of young children playing in the background.. water moving.. then piano and violin and children laughing once more..
Hope? Does it sound like hope to you? Mm.. for me it doesn’t.. or may be it does.. I don’t know.. love it.. and can keep on listening till forever.. and what else would I need in life?!
Yeah.. you tell me.. what do I need?

Me? Old beggar for a sip of inner warmth and trust that I can bare it though.. life is like circles.. parabolic curves in other words.. you start at a point.. walk around for some time, then return back. You’d always return back to the same point. No one stays where s/he is.. and yet no one changes too.. amazing truth I’ve discovered today by the way. A novel and film. The film showed a feeling less person who changed into a lovable character, who changed his materialistic life in live in a farm.. which to me sound like utter fiction. And the other novel talking about someone discovered the reality about life that no body, no body what so ever changes. And that’s a fiction to me too.

Stupid life is.. or as wicked as it can be.. playing games, lots of games.. watching us and laughing.. I can hear the voice already..
So dear that I wish to spit on it right now.
If it’s a desert.. why would it pour not rain? Why would it cause such a misery for someone who never asked for anything. Not misery, but a miserable confusingly misery. And yet it pours, and yet it pours again..

God help me out!
If the curve reached a peak once.. why would it ever go down with such heavy burden on shoulders and crack in the heart?
A word can kill.. and can be the very same that sentences lands to revival..

Serious addiction..

Obviously I’m not blogging.. for un-defined reasons. YES! Thinking problems are there within my mind. More of being confused about a certain issue that’s taking all the space I have in my brain.

Yet as a matter of a habit.. well sort of.. here are my last punch of movies seen lately..

1. The English patient: Sucks
2. Toy story 1: beautiful
3. The ladykillers: Sucks, couldn’t even complete 15 mins
4. Notes on a scandal: good plot.
5. Eternal Sunshine on the spotless mind: good plot, horrible Jim and Kate.
6. Because I said so: Light
7. Life, or something like it: Horrible. Hate mrs Jolie.
8. The prestige: excellent.
9. Monsters, inc.: average.

I think that was enough!.. on the list

1. Music and lyrics
2. About a boy
3. Butterfly effect
4. Toy Story 2
5. The Schindler’s list
6. Happy feet

I hate the today's feeling
and I hate pictures the most..

My mother, saw me that depressed.. SO she plucked a flower from our balcony.. a beautiful white with yellowish patches- flower.. and gave it to me..

We won't forget

Lets open the Egyptian POWs files

Movie(s) night..

Who’d believe I’ve finished 3 exams out of 6 just yesterday?! Now I am only half the way to go. Yet feeling amazingly bored to the extend that I’m having the next ALLAH’s ,most annoying subject “Networks”, and I am wasting my time watching movies, eating, sleeping.. or even gazing at the wall.
Grrrr…. Let me not start that talk…

You know I’ve watched 3 movies in the last 3 days! Something that I haven’t done in a long time I think. Am I that addicted to films? Guess yea.. guess I am.. especially that my recent wish is to have a much faster broadband to download a film daily.. hehe.. I just discovered few important titles that’s a must watch by anyone, and yet I haven’t tried!
Sooo.. guess now I am trying to compensate my lose with the little few ones I have..

So let me go in order..
1st one was “Pirates of the Caribbean: Part 1”.. Yes,, I am that old! .. look.. it’s a problem.. I know.. I hate things even without trying.. and I’ve been resisting watching that particular one for so long, till few friends were actually mocking me, as they were going to part 3 in theater.. soooo,,, the little fighter inside me showed up more courage to watch part 1, at least to know whats the whole fuzz about! And guess what :S it was a hit.. “Pirates of the Caribbean” is a one hit :D .. however to tell you the truth.. its not that type of a must-watch-again movies.. mmm… I wasn’t enchanted by the music (at all).. even the dialuge wasn’t very great y3ni.. bas the story is catchy keda.. adventurous .. lol.. good enough if you wish to watch something and not fall asleep..

Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.

For a note y3ni.. before that, I was about to watch "Hoodwinked".. but I was saved after the 1st 30 minitues or so.. it’s a total boring one.. NEVER go to it if you are animated film’s fan like me. Just get away from it..

Ok ok..
The 2nd was “The holiday”.. a typical American story. Destiny, fate, coincidences, true love stories.. blalala… the music is not excellent. Dialog is not that perfect.. story is repeated in a way.. yet something about it makes it worth watching..
As a 2nd thought, I felt like, may be showing 2 lives in parallel makes it unique in a way? I don’t know.. it always bugs me.. not bugs me.. makes me wonder.. how can God manage to run all these lives all together at the very same time. So watching them in a movie brought but the question again to my mind.. what are you doing now.. no matter who are you.. I don’t care as long as you are living away from my house!
And ah, for the memory.. the scene I couldn’t help the emotional flow in, was when Arther was to enter the big hall and find those hundreds of people saluting him. Was like me imaging myself in his situation. Almost a forgotten 80 year old lady, who used to be famous and now I’m asked for an interview as such with my expectations to be as small as possible. Then as a surprise.. noo… people still remembers me! God! That would make me feel extraordinary..

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

3rd and last one for today, an old one somehow, but of all times best movies, I reckon, or it better be! “enemy at the gates”!
Grrrr… that one was fabulous… yup f.a.b.u.l.o.u.s.. look… to agree up that.. the dialog wasn’t good at all.. not to the level of the film.. however, sound effects and the background music were out of this world! Wonder why it was reminding me with "Schindler’s list" all through the film!.. yet.. grrr…. Loved it.. the story is very interesting to me.
By the way, its not my 1st time watch. I saw parts from it on TV before, but never concentrated as today. Was like, me Vs. it.. who’ll win.. and believe now.. that one! A must-be-watched-again-and-again..
And! I didn't find the quotation I liked on imdb.com .. so probably later I'd try to write it down.. Now I got no mind for that...

Ah.. what makes me wonder by the way, the coincidence of watching 2 movies at random for the same actor "Jude Law". Yup, no doubt now he turned to be one of my best ;) .. loved his calm and confident way of acting.. yup.. way to go Jude.. I’ll be watching your coming work isA..

People, no escape.. I SHOULD go back to network (as if I started aslan)..
Wish me luck, I hardly need it..

The Strength of a Man

The strength of a man isn’t seen in the width of his shoulders.
Its seen in the width of his arms that circle you.

The strength of a man isn’t in the deep tone of his voice.
It is in the gentle words he whispers.

The strength of a man isn’t how many buddies he has.
Its how good a buddy he is with his kids.

The strength of a man isn’t in how respected he is at work.
Its in how respected he is at home.

The strength of a man isn’t in how hard he Hits.
Its in how tender he touches.

The strength of a man isn’t in the hair on his chest.
Its in his Heart…that lies within his chest.

The strength of a man isn’t in the weight he can lift.
It is in the burdens he can carry.

The strength of a man isn’t how many women he’s Loved.
Its in can he be true to one woman.

© July 15, 1999
Jacqueline Marie Griffiths
(written for Hunt D. Rochon)

extracted from:

http://pravstalk.com/2007/05/26/text-mail-the-strength-of-a-man/

Listen and enjoy..

I simply fell in love with Yasmin Levy's song.....!

Just made my yesterday.

Passing by thoughts..

Tomorrow would be my 1st exam isA in the last time exams life long “yaaaa Rab”.. I know, I might be over stressed, reacting horribly to dear people, and even to myself sometimes. Yet you think that’s an excuse for me to have such nightmares?
Basically speaking, I’m a one person who doesn’t dream at all, and even if it happened once upon a time, then make sure I’ll never remember.. that’s true wallahi… except these days.. I am having nightmares either at night or day light, and the fact that each time I wake up as if the dream just happened for real.. remembers the feeling, the incidents, the fine details, plus having a horrible headache. Mm.. what you think?
Its all concerning 2 main issues in my life these days by the way. And I just wish to live in peace now adays. I’m having much urgent things to worry about! .. grr… I hate dreaming in all sorts.. the good and bad..

Enough with wasting my time.. back to studying.. bye

Nostalgic on a verge of a road..

Today..
Just woke up from a long nap. I sleep a lot these days and always feel tired. Yet after all, allow me to say the 2 words I have in mind then ok, as promised I’ll go to study and for real.

I remember 2 years ago very clearly, at that time of the year when I wrote “starry starry nights”.. and was for the today’s same occasion.
Taking my final lecture in college *believe that or not*. But yes, hopefully my last ever.. eternally… and for the 1st time too I forgot some of my papers somewhere there.. I hate that.. I hate me when I forget.. when I’m acting as if some alien from the outer space.. so I'll write to remember.. I'll write to engrave every single thing in my mind..

2 years passed?
Can’t believe a thing.. “Life is but a dream”.. one of my favorite quotations.. don’t you think so too?.. it starts and ends and pass you by without you getting in why, how… por que y para que?.. as said..
Remember that post was the 1st Tee would comment on. Hmm.. you know what I hate the most in me?! .. I usually take much longer time to let people into my life. I always give a cold look that would manage to give a rough impression about me. Always. Yes I am shy. That’s a fact. Hmm… as I look back now at the past 5 years.. you know I could have known even more people. I could have shared even more memories. I could have delved more into the personalities I can see their faces in front of my eyes in a random sequence. So many beautiful souls I’ve met in college. So many to extend I might not imagine a cruel world any more. YES! And I mean it..

Now…
Don’t think I hate college as much as I did 2 year ago. But yes I hate it enough to wish leaving as possible. May be I have my own reasons for. Yet above all.. “enough is enough”.. can’t take in any more limits.. mm.. dreamy look for the future? .. may be yes, may be no.. I don’t know. 22 years passed and haven’t left my comfort zone a lot. May be never. Had lots of falling downs, frustrations, stress, disappointments.. but laughter too.. as I recall now.. no, may be I didn’t have dreams to look up to very often in my past 5 years. May be in my prep year was eager to join the TA stuff.. so I kept on studying as hard as I can. Even remember me studying in 21 the bus on my way to college and back. Got high grade that’s fine.. yet knew a fact.. I can’t be a TA.. so why the hell should I live life fighting windmills! I’d be left in the middle unrecognized by a lot, dissatisfied a lot and accused to laziness too! There started the change in life… completely… but that wasn’t a dream after all, but a decision I took.

Years now and me not me the one I knew before and yet not me the one I’m looking up to. Probably I’ve reached a better position, though probably you’d think not. But I’ve fought inside me miles of.. mmm.. what? .. no.. I didn’t fight as much as I imagine now.. I think its normal.. we already go college to learn how to change, and adapt ourselves to the wider world.
I will miss college *no doubt*.. but above all I’ll miss faces, places and memories shared..

You know, since the funday, I was passing by a notebook for people to write me anything they wish to. And ever since I was determined not to read any until I’d finish college. Yet today Saramir insisted I should be reading her note. So I did on my way in the bus, and couldn't help me but going through other people’s notes as well… For a second, I was having tears *am I turning sensitive lately, for real?*. Seriously I was.. there were too much love between the lines I can’t imagine its there for me somewhere!..
I didn’t imagine I am seen as such between my fellow colleagues.. *again, believe this or not*. Well ya, I know when I am somewhere I’m always recognized after sharing in a conversation, or certain work.. or whatever.. but yes.. sometimes I turn out to be the focus.. yet never believed I’m loved.. mm.. even now when I’d remember that exam day very clearly, I was giving books to B. for Sheryos, when a colleague of ours passed along to say “you know, away from the exam and stuff. I have to tell you that I really appreciate your replies on our forum. I always feel your words are balanced” or something as such.. I was flattered like crazy.. as I mentioned before too.. pretended to be busy, finished up everything quickly and left the place…
In an urgent need to breaaaaaaathe! Hate praises… thought it makes me happy :D .. like a diabetes who likes gateaux… yet today I read A LOT.. that left me with this feeling running all through me.. “how could I leave such people?! how could I know -only now- I am that loved?!”..

Ya.. can hear you say “c’est la vie”..

Left the bus to have a nice walk with Bava in Korba. Like this place, like walking, wondering up to the buildings.. there it seems a quite place outside hectic Cairo. *Believe it or not for the Nth time*… I bought mango ice cream. Probably I’ve not tasted mango ice creams since 12 or something.. its always 1 of 3 kinds.. mystic *you already know that*, chocolate or hazelnut. Yet enjoyed it as if its my 1st time to taste mango… bought ta3meya.. or do you call it falafel where ever you are reading?.. its ta3meya (a.k.a flafel.) .. and was great… bought for my family too.. its still there cause they weren’t as interested as me. Hmm.. I was kind of celebrating my last day in college with one of the best people I met there..
Now as I think, what makes her my best?
There are lots of things between us that’s different. Mm.. she even got lots of things I hate, and probably she does too.. yet we stayed on as cool as we are el 7amdo lelah… and believe it or not :D *you gotta hate this phrase after this post I guess*… unlike normal friends.. we’ve never had a fight or a clash for a single moment… and by the word.. never.. mm… strange, isn’t it?..

Returned home and was about to have a short nap.. I promised to study chapter 1 & 2 antenna… but the nap was preceded with lovely talk.. and extended till now.. to wake up.. reading… feeling.. remembering… nostalgic.. thinking.. pondering.. wondering.. dreaming… hoping.. wishing up on a star…..
Yes.. now think I love my life.. love the every single aspect and perspective I’ve taken or thought of.. proud of my self till arrogance..
I’d never wish for a better arrangement for life than this…el 7amdo lelah..

Am I ready for the road to life?
I don’t know.. I don’t know except me wishing to end exams now fine.. have good job.. and start the challenge hand in hand with someone who’d care… won’t it be lovely?.. not walking alone any more?.. not thinking alone… I don’t know… haven’t lived it.. yet guess now it would be.. lovely… and probably then.. I wont be scared of life as I am used to…

It was brilliant experience living the past 5 years in my life…
God bless the memory..


PS: true, I'm going to start now... :)

A touch from a feather...

Thought of writing here few words.. yet words escaped...
Thought of whispering few murmurer in here.. yet.. could not..
the piano playing.. and me waiting..
it feels strange.. feels awkward sometimes..
when I am not me anymore..
I've been touched..

When words lost their value... and whispers are no longer heard..
but yet felt..
it feels strange..
it feels like early morning rain.. and few dew drops..

a feather falling from sky above...
So quite the world.. so beautiful and washed up..
the green looks greener.. and Blue no longer sad...
no longer as lonely to ponder upon..
anger is no longer red.. and yellow is peaceful instead...

The feather is falling.. and I didn't wake up..
I didn't wake up..
Now, I really wish to ever not..

It feels strange..
Like words can't really tell..
I've just been touched..


Theme: the feather.. Forrest Gump

He gave her flowers. She gave him a chance.

Hmm, another boring night was tonight. You know, today was one oral exam I had in college for a very stupid IT report. Whatever, it passed after a 5 hours waiting back to back.. was that living hell they talk about?! .. and for a second, as I was starting to have a terrible headache.. just had this thought of, closing my computer and let me have a life!
Closed the everything, even without byebyes to people.. or anything.. and went to watch TV. I can’t even remember the last time I watched a complete movie. It looks months ago. I even forgot the timings, or the stations number on the list. Wondering aimlessly for few moments till I got 2 at a row… one was for Angelina Julie.. whatever that spelling.. I discovered now that ok “I hate her”.. and the other was “Bed of roses”…

That was actually one big surprise to me. This time was my 3rd to watch. I am a freak. Already knew that. When I love something, then I get addicted.. and I loved this one ever since I saw it for the 1st time like 10 years ago in my old room.. was night and dark.. I didn’t actually watch it then from the very start.. was on channel 2 earth stations.. apparently we didn’t have satellite receive back then too. . yet it was amazing experience I won’t forget.. kept on searching for the sound tracks and till now, can’t find any.. probably as I finish up that all I’d go and search from the very start.. for who knows..
“He gave her flowers. She gave him a chance” was the tag line..
Liza, a desperate girl, who was watched one night crying from her balcony. Next morning she had a surprise flowers delivered directly to her office! .. she wondered a little to discover the fact, it’s the flowers delivery boy, that’s “Christian Slater” (one of my favorite actors, though i hate his action movies) :D .. and the story goes on and on.. they fell in love.. etc.. typical American plot.. yet I still loved it.. hmm.. strange, isn’t it?.. strange how from simple things life begins…

Liked the part when he showed her life from his perspective.. that was nice in deed.. taking her in his daily trips delivering flowers to people, showing her the smiles he enjoys on their faces.. letting her to go into his experience..
There was one conversation between Liza and her girlfriend, that I don’t recall clearly right now. But gota tell you.. it always takes me by surprise.. somehow, fantasy within truth.. hmm.. at least to me.. yay.. that was lovely night, that twisted everything.. and I can recommend everybody to just go, relax and enjoy…

Before I'd go to sleep..

My room looks out of the “recycle bin”.. uncontrollable undesirable mess! Papers are everywhere.. pens scattered all over.. my clothes on the chair not hung for 3 days or something.. my shoes looks scary.. an empty plat beside me with a fork, too lazy to take it to the kitchen… bed looks dreadful… dust on every spot… and me sitting in the middle at my desk, opening my notebook gazing at nothing..

Today was a cute day.. was really cute :) .. no matter how horrible it was… no matter how long and boring.. no matter how tired I was.. yet I loved sharing these moments.. made me smile day long… that is totally strange.. how can a simple word or a single smile turn your day upside down.. I just have no clue till now.. its 3:23 am next morning now, and I’m writing, remembering and smiling.. though I’ve been down enough today.. yes, surprisingly I’ve been down and guilty till death..

Have you ever kept looking at the stars at night, till you reached a point feeling so low that you can’t hold them in your hands?
I am having my stars.. and might millions and millions of light years be shorter than how I feel now.. ridiculous.. my words are ridiculous.. even if you said no, I’d still say yes..

College ended at 7.. I took a bus at 7:15… reached the nearest square at 7:50.. and took my usual walk.. thru my walk it rained.. wasn't rain.. was just few drops.. then was increasing… found me walking, smiling, looking up high and prayed.. and suddenly was like.. “how did I reach my house that fast?”.. time flied.. and the touch of the few drops on my face made me wish to ever stay there long… you know, one day I’d be in the street, not alone.. it will be raining.. I’d ask you to leave everything at hand and we’d walk under the rain.. what you think?.. wouldn’t it be lovely?.. I remember that song now… strange what your mind can recall.. scattered memories from here and there, making it another indescribable mess inside and outside.. unaware of what is in it for you, whom is waiting for you, whom is watching, which is evil and where you’d meet all of the previous..
And leaves me here at 3:40 waking up.. gazing at the screen infront of me, writing these ridiculous words.. yet.. with a wide smile over my face for one good cute reason I have…
I’m grateful.. and really mean it :)


PS: I didn’t read the above before publishing, so for any reason you found spelling mistakes or lack in plot, don’t pay much attention.. its just.. me wished to talk to you tonight before I’d go to sleep..